Thank you, Crypts. I believe you do care. Disparaissant deserves being cared about, and probably hasn't had an overabundance of that in her life, to put it mildly. I think PC is at it's best when people who contribute sincerely to threads - and sometimes distrust each others' agendas - stay attentive to a thread long enough to find that they are actually on the same page in being concerned for the OP's welfare.

I raised questions in my first post here, not to invalidate disp, but to stimulate clearer thinking. Our culture, currently, is putting a lot of focus on the evils of the controlling behavior that some women are subjected to in their relationships. That's not a bad idea, since these are the women who tend to suffer the worst consequences of being in dysfunctional relationships, from emotional abuse and broken bones, right up to losing their lives. (And it's not only a man on woman scenario, just more typically that.) The problem is: once a theme gets the high profile this has gotten, attention to other forms of dysfunction gets squeezed out. So, now, whenever a person reports being unhappy in a relationship, people leap to the conclusion that there must be issues of control and abuse. It's like that's the hit record, and everybody is playing it, forgetting that there are other songs. Not every person who's being badly treated is necessarily a victim of excess control.

In answer to a question I was asked: I grew up in a home where my father was very controlling of my mother, who spent a lot of effort trying to placate him. I could see what was going on and decided I was not going to be like her. And I'm not. I thought a lot of my father, but there was no way I was going to let him run my life. That resulted in some major friction between us, but I found I could survive that friction. After defeating my father's attempts to dominate me, I never found any other man to be much of a challenge. So, no, I've never been in a relationship where I was being controlled. Men looking for submission in a woman tended not to waste too much time on me.

But that doesn't mean I've been well-treated in my relationships. There are other ways to be hurt. In my case, I successfully avoided men who were controlling and abusive. But I did get involved with men who were needy. I have been taken advantage of. Because I was strong in some ways, I attracted men who wanted to be taken care of. Having a needy man bleed you can be pretty devastating. It's not only domineering men who can give women a bad time. Sometimes the problem is simply that a person always manages to take more than they give. That can leave a gal pretty depleted. I've been there.