pinkvilla...so sorry to hear you are going through this. I had to leave my job about six-seven years ago due to my mental health, and that was a year and a half after it started to become a serious problem. I tried so hard to make it work but I was calling in sick on a regular basis, and even though they were really good about letting me make up the hours I was constantly paranoid about being unreliable. The truth was, I just couldn't do it anymore. Ever since I started having problems with my mental health I've felt bad about myself. Self worth was always something of a problem for me, but it was at an all-time low. My plan was to go on disability through my work insurance, since I'd been there a while and paid into it, but I got no support to do that so I applied for disability benefits through my province and country.

It's been six or seven years since then and I am still not used to not having a job. I eventually went back on call, part-time casual, with that job, and even then I was having to miss or reschedule a lot of the shifts I'd sign up for. It was embarrassing. We just moved to a new city about two years ago and early last year I started seriously looking for part-time work and the anxiety was crushing. Bottom line: I simply cannot hold a regular job, it's why I'm on disability, and I don't know if things will ever be any different. I had a total breakdown and lost all my ability to relate to the everyday world and life as I knew it, and since I prioritize my sobriety, self-medicating to get through everything, as I did the first time I had a breakdown (about twenty years ago), is not an option.

I would suggest that if you want to find a job but have no support from family, perhaps find yourself an employment agency and/or counsellor. They really can be useful, especially if you left work for health reasons, and double especially since you left for mental health reasons. I have been to a few and I can honestly say it is so helpful to have someone who is trained to understand your unique situation, and a good, qualified counsellor will be able to prioritize your need for safety, balance, and well-being and help you find something that is truly suitable for you. I'm not sure how big of a place you live in but we live in a small city and they have several such agencies here. There is something quite similar in my hometown of only 1200 people. So with luck you will be able to find something like that. Also, even though I can identify with the guilt and shame you talk about, it will probably help to give yourself a bit of room to experiment with the jobseeking process, in terms of allowing yourself to find out what will work and what will not. You may find, as I have, that there are certain things you were always able to handle but no longer can. Experiences with mental health, whether short-term experiences or chronic mental illness, can permanently alter our inner landscapes. I believe it's important to listen to and honour any reaction you have to any part of the jobseeking process.

If you ever need to talk to someone about your journey, feel free to message me. All the best.