I'm very familiar with the theories about abuse and how it gets perpetuated and how people get trapped in situations where they are being abused. I've done a good deal of reading on the subject. I've attended support groups for victims of abuse. When I was working, I was required to complete course work on the subject and pass a test on what I studied. I've worked with abused children in residential psych facilities, and I've worked in jails, where female inmates often have histories of being severely abused. I also spent time living in a domestic abuse shelter, where I attended classes on the subject. None of that makes me an expert. But I have learned some things.

I am very interested in what people experienced in that area have to say on the subject. On a number of threads over the past 6 years, I have strenuously urged some PC members to contact domestic violence hot lines and get linked up to the support that is out their for victims of abuse. Experts on this subject have some surprising things to say. One point they make is that professional therapists, and even psychiatrists, who are not specifically trained in the realities of domestic abuse can the source of some really bad advice and detrimental input. They say that more than a few victims have been labeled by their own psychiatrists with false diagnoses that invalidated their complaints of being victimized. I worked in a longterm care facility where I, along with other staff, believed that a female resident (young with a severe crippling disease) was being abused by her husband who took her home on weekends. These were rich people and money can cover up a lot. This woman was seen by an expensive psychiatrist hired by her husband. This pdoc conveyed to us that nothing the woman said could be believed because her brain was damaged. Yes, her brain was damaged, but I totally believed her, as did my co-workers. That was a long time ago, when abuse was still swept under the rug, and no one wanted to know about it.

I also learned from domestic violence counselors that most victims will leave an abusive situation at least 8 times, only to keep returning to it, before possibly actually leaving for good. Of course, some never leave. So simply saying to someone "Yeah, he's abusive and you ought to dump him!" may not help very much.

This thread is titled "Confused." I agree with the OP that she is confused. If you lump every kind of behavior that disturbs you, under the heading of "controlling" or "abusive," then you don't have the clarity to identify what behavior is really objectionable and why it is so. That confusion makes a person more likely to get into an abusive relationship and stay in it.

My apology to the OP for having this side conversation. I do suspect, dispariassant, that what this man is offering you may not be worth having. He sounds kind of hostile to me, among other things. He also sounds rude, stingy and cold. But that hostile factor is what I find most concerning. If you think that you being "needy" somehow justifies him being hostile, then that's where you're really getting yourself mixed up. Victims of abuse tend to rationalize unconscionable behavior by seeing how something they did seemed to trigger the hostility. Maybe you are needy. Maybe you are so needy that you would get on any guy's nerves. (Just supposin.) That might be a reason for a guy to complain about it, or end a date early, or not talk to you for a week, or break up with you. But most guys, when they get annoyed, don't start shoving or talking with such hostility that you fear getting hit. That kind of behavior should not be lumped together with "Don't change the key adjustments on my guitar." My guess is that Crypts is right in suspecting that you probably have not offered some of the better examples of behavior that is truly out of bounds. You may be over-reacting to some not very important things and under-reacting to some really concerning stuff.