So many times in the last several months that I think I should quit therapy. I don't deserve the time you take with me. I feel like I'm just wasting your time because I don't/can't improve.
I know what I should "do" and I don't, won't, can't.
I should take measures towards my self care, but I don't.
I begin to think about it and the argument in my head and I think about "the fat old lady doesn't deserve a lunch break" makes me work through lunch. I know it's stupid. It's causing me to go home from work hungry, which in turn is causing me to eat to much at dinner, and thus I'm putting back on the lbs I lost last year. So now I can't make a Dr. appointment because she'll scold me for gaining weight. I'm supposed to see her this month for my annual check up (high blood pressure).
It's a vicious circle of self-sabotage. I don't know how to get out of the cycle. It's not because of your lack of trying to help. It's me. I have to do it. I can't.
I don't deserve to live happy or healthy. It's a waste of time to try.