Hey 19J82.

Your psychiatrist was right - gender is a fluid thing. However - some people do identify as one side of the spectrum, whether cisgender or transgender. Some people have a varying concept throughout their lifetimes. And it is possible to know and to be confused, or to not do anything about it in terms of transition, etc etc. When it comes to gender expression (and, most importantly, how gender is 'performed'), there are no hard and fast rules. That said, it can be difficult to feel that way when all around us there are hard and fast rules about femininity and masculinity, very little room to bend those rules, and an influx of trans people in the media who show very clear definitions of what it means to be trans (ultra 'masculine' or 'feminine', and above all, 'passable'). l

It's amazing how much gender identity can affect mental health. I think it is probably pretty common to think of a changing concept of gender identity as part of mental illness; after all, for so long it's been in the DSM as a psychiatric diagnosis. But I believe that mental illness, among other causes, can be caused, in whole or in part, or aggravated by forcing ourselves to be something or someone other than we truly are.

Are there any transgender supports where you live? Support groups? Social gatherings? Health or other community resources? Have you joined any trans-specific social networks online? Having to navigate gender can be so confusing. This has been the experience for me. I've been questioning my gender my whole life, literally since before I entered school as a young child; I just never had the language for it. But there was never any doubt to me that I was born in the wrong body. At 38 now, I have no idea what to do about it. I have no idea what I want to do about it. And there are so many options: hormones, surgery, attire, different ways of grooming, etc. I just tend to get stuck in the idea that as a trans man I have to be ultra-masculine, even though of course this is not the case. And I don't hold anyone else to this expectation, only myself.

Anyway. For the last five years or so my journey of gender exploration has been concentrated. It wasn't until last year that I realized I am probably a trans guy, and that has only been further solidified for me this year. What Skeezyks said is so true: when you're trans, it's not something that goes away; you're trans for life. Whether or not you transition, whether or not you come out as trans, whether or not you change your name, your hair, your identification, etc - nobody can take that away from you.

I will second another thing that Skeezyks said: if you need someone to talk to for encouragement and/or support, I am open to talking via private messaging. I too could use the support.