im ok, for the moment im back
ya know what i mean?
im having really high anxiety and stuff... like, i think im having a Quarter life crisis thing going on... im gonna go away from these forums for a while i just wanted to let everyone know so no one worried if i did something bad to myself or not... im not gonna hurt myself, atleast i hope not..

i am going through a lot, and im making huge decisions that are rattling everything that i am... i think that im going to give up on this disability junk, i've been fighting for it for a long long time and its just not getting me anywhere... and even if i got it, its not that much money for me to actually survive on so i would still be stuck in this house where its causing me a lot of distress internally... so its not the best option for me... i need to "wake up"
face life, face my problems, stop hiding inside this fantasy world i created inside... stop retreating... and im trying really hard to do that, but its very scary and i think that im having a lot of dissociative problems but i really really really REALLY dont understand dissociation so im very confused by it but i think that maybe its not so important for me to understand it... i just need to FOCUS. i need to get out of this place, need to stabilize, need to prioritize. need to get my life on track... things CAN be ok, i can be alive, i can live, i can have a life... its all possible, life is here... its waiting for me, i just have to grab it and say **** all the stuff thats been beating me down my whole life, i have to be selfish a bit, i have to be self centered a bit, its time for me to say its TIME FOR ME.
its my time, i've given time for everyone else my whole life so much so that i dont know who or what i am and now i have to develop myself.. its not going to be easy, but i have no choice, im not ready, but if not now then when? right?

this new medication they put me on too is not helping i think, i think its causing some strange side effects, such as unusual behaviour, thoughts, and increased my self harm... Saphris, im going to talk to my case manager monday and talk to her about it and see if we can just stop taking that medication... see if they can just put me back on the klonopin for crying out loud like i have asked quite a few times... so that i can just try to get a job somewhere and just try to make these huge changes... klonopin worked, it just my tolerance grew - im just hoping that its efficacy will last long enough for me to get used to the situations so that i can handle them if that makes sense

i dont see a light at the end of the tunnel, but damnit im going to make one- you know what i mean? im sick and tired of this, im very sick and im tired of being sick... im fed up and im just done.. Quarter life crisis, Mental illness, whatever, Or not - Somethings gotta give, somethings gotta change, and its High time for it... Know what i mean?

i just dont know or understand whats been happening to me, im really embarrassed by all of my posts, i have been really out of it... in and out...
not on drugs, just really out of it mentally... stressed out... breaking down... my brain is re-wiring itself....
im changing at a core level and im very scared, very alone, and everyone around me doesnt seem to understand what im going through or doesnt know how to help me and im very frustrated

im just wanting to apologize for this madness, thank everyone for being patient and not judging... i will update as i can...