got to tell you a story. One day my therapist and I were talking about integration and how in my cultural background integration is something that even normal people do in their normal lives...its mixing to things/ elements/ factors/ concepts/ ideas together. even people who are not DID go through periods of time where their own personality elements (feelings, emotions, behaviors, who and what they are changes and integrates to form a whole personality/ one whole person)

example a person who is depressed, serious and moody can integrate their personality elements of creativity, happiness, the will and courage to take a walk, go boating... into their feelings of depression, seriousness and moodiness and this becomes their new way of being... less depression more happiness, less seriousness more having fun, less moodiness and more stability....

we had gotten through that part of the conversation when I told my therapist, when (not if because in my culture integration is just a normal part of life for every human being) when I integrate I would like to be Thelma. she is so outgoing, happy, courageous, the risk taker, the one that seems to have her stuff together.

my therapist looked at me and said...you are already Thelma, You are already Rainy, you are Red, you are ....and she continued to list all my known alters. It all goes back to the basics.... you were one whole person, then you went through extreme trauma that no one else could have survived, or at least would not have survived intact. yes the alters at the moment are separate from you, but they came from you due to the trauma. they did not leave the physical body, they are still with in the body known as Amandalouise. All parts of you are still there, the Thelma you is there, the Rainy you is there, the Red you is there....you are them and they are you. just right now the anger, sexuality, happiness, and other elements of your personality are set to the side. but they are still you and one day those elements of you will not be set to the side anymore.

when you integrate these parts of you will still be there just not set aside, you will be back to experiencing them in a normal way that human beings do. you will be able to be all those elements that comprise Thelma, Rainy, red and the others.

my treatment providers point.... for me it was a non issue of who / which alter I was going to be when I integrated because I already was each of them anyway, in my culture they were me, they are me and they will for ever be me.

I stopped wishing and worrying about which one I wanted to be like. when I took the time to really look at what I felt Thelma was I could see in my life times even with out integration of Thelma when I was already outgoing, happy, courageous, the risk taker, the one that seems to have her stuff together.