I am generally very formal with people... I think this is because I had to maintain my distance / my "strong" image in front of my family so I wouldn't be hurt. I've noticed this has extended to nearly all of my friendships. I keep people at arms length.

As I've gotten older, I am noticing that I talk to people like it's a job interview. When I look at people, I don't think of them on a personal level. I think of them, well, like I'm at work. I don't think I am able to even identify if I would be potentially interested in someone.

I am exceedingly formal and can't open up. Because of this, I basically have no relationship experience. Or at least I haven't had a real relationship. Mostly one night stands and a brief period where I was the other woman / mistress (sorry, I know it's bad, and looking back, I figure it's the only way I could have a psuedo-relationship / intimacy without really getting to know someone and vice versa).

Now I would like to seek out a relationship, because I'm tired of being alone and would like to know what it's like to be loved. But on the other hand, I don't want to seek out a relationship, because the process of getting to know someone is so stressful. I don't know how to switch from being professional to personal. Going on a date is tedious. Even picking out a potential partner to flirt with and then date is tedious. It's another job that I don't have time for. It's like I don't have a personal side. I don't know if I'm aromantic (I'm definitely demisexual), or if I just can't connect to people...

I'm wondering if this is normal? And if you have any advice on how to open up / not act so formal?

Maybe I am compulsively handling people. I wonder if that's it...