Hi, CyranO
Thanks for the kind reply.

I could go on about the past...which was very bad at times.....but I have so much now that I thought was never possible as a child, or ever even knew existed and feel lucky I have made it.

The #1 thing I wanted was my own home that I never had to fear leaving...then as I grew older I wanted my own family so I could have unconditional love.

I have a wife thats a hottie and 2 beautiful little girls who I love more than life..as well as more superficial material stuff than any man could need.......

The only thing I wish I could have now is the feeling of being normal...I am good at surviving and adapting since I have learned to go through the motions....as well as keeping my #1 goals achieved...but I live in my head still and don't think I'll ever be able to leave.....I have lived through and saw to much to ever come back....so here I sit.

At least I can still concentrate on providing a normal life for my family.....and try to protect them from the worlds dangers that I hope they never really comprehend.

As you said and hit the nail on the head......our pain is our own...so I keep my family from knowing the true extent of my damage since there is no benefit to them.....I do live in constant terror but they dont need to know this and I make a conscious effort to hide it from them,since I am still good at smiling,providing and loving.

Just this post has helped me though...as well as reading the other peoples in this forum....and it is nice to have people here that can relate to my pain without even having to know it.

Thanks again for the kind and reply