its trying to happen you guys... trying to take over / kick me out
its like a water balloon screaming to burst out with excitement...
my anxiety is really high

my feelings are ... fading
maybe fading is a good word to use. but maybe being overwhelmed by empathy, or transmuted is a better word..

im becoming really fearful, this fear is causing me to lose control

what do i do?

im fearful that i will not be able to obtain a job, that i will not be able to perform the job if i obtain one... i want to channel all of the obsessive power i have into a healthy thing such as this, a positive motivator... i can do it...
right...?

i've never done anything like this before.
im improvising all of this.. during a mental break down, ya know..
trying to stabilize a plane that is about to crash and is about to explode, lol .. :/
and im not even a pilot, can't even drive a car, am like legally blind, on and on and on, totally not qualified for this, so what in the world am i doin here....

but no one else can do it it seems!

im afraid to go to work... im so afraid of people...
being in a place with no escape... trapped... under someone elses control...

im not trying to make it sound like im going back and forth again... im just in a different place right now... my heart is really heavy and i feel really distant... trying to stay grounded.. but im having a hard time and almost not wanting to stay, you know, i don't want to be alone either

i just feel like my life has forced an ultimatum on me... This is the way things are going to be or you are probably going to die! This is your wake up call, Get it or You'll Die!
Do not miss this last call, or else you will be terribly sorry.

does that make sense?

i just wish i had a couple friends that were like, you can totaly do it man, we believe in you.. its gonna be scary, but we're gonna be here for you and help you the best we can ok? we're here for you! you got this!
and i can be all like, ok yall, if you think i can do it then thats 2 against 1 and i dont trust myself half the time so 2 against .5 really ... cant argue with those odds right?

i cant believe i lost a friend through this stuff... i think thats been one of the big slaps... because its like, you see how this is going to ruin you? or are you going to take over and start taking control?
i have to gain more power... control... instead of allowing those kind of things to happen, i should be able to control it and stop it... since maybe you know, when im like this, i sound a little more "sane" ........ atleast i think i do.. don't i?

i really liked her... im hoping i can fix things with her too.. trying to fix everything, everything all at once :/

im going to call my case manager monday and tell her that i need to do something different... i changed.. i shifted... or something changed in me... or.. i dont really know what to tell her... " hi CM, i changed again... i need to go to work really bad, like yesterday, i need to make an income and take control over my life really bad, i need help and guidance please" "oh and also i need to get back on my old anxiety medication and i quit taking that saphris stuff"

sigh, im afraid for tomorrow... im going to be completely sober... i don't think its going to be a very good thing...