I'm new to this forum and haven't really posted anything in the welcome chat rooms or anything but I just thought I'd jump right in because it felt right to me...I hope that's not an issue:/ I just wanted to begin to tell my story, because I'm in a place in my life where I am very alone. To start I am a 21 year old college student in Indiana and have been struggling with depression for most of my life. In high school is when my depression really peaked and hit its highest point where I realized that I needed to get help. I left school for half a semester to get help with assistance of a therapist and medication. Talking to the therapist gave a a renewed form of self confidence that I had never really felt in my entire life. When I returned to school at the beginning of the next semester I had a sense of happiness that I had never felt ever. My friends that I thought would never had missed me ran up and gave me hugs and told me how happy they were to see me. I hung out with people who made me feel happy and I always felt like I had a friend there with me to go on crazy adventures with and just do crazy teenager things with. My grades were going good and my life was happy for once. But there was one thing missing that I always wanted. I have always been a hopeless romantic and have wanted to meet someone that I could love and cherish till the day I died. Well. I thought I had met her. During that period when I came back to school I met the most beautiful girl in the world. I had always thought that this girl was beautiful and finally mustered up the courage to ask her on a date. Well we went on that date and it was perhaps the greatest night of my life. I starting dating this girl and it sounds all childish and high schooly but I fell in love with her. Over the next years I would share the most special moments of my life with her. I loved this girl. But I messed up. When I got to college I had told myself that I didn't want to deal with being in a relationship. I was in college I was rushing a fraternity. I didn't need that in my life. I met another girl (it never turned out to be anything just a stupid feeling of mine) I left my girlfriend. And over the next few months I would tear her down with my words and my actions. Keeping her around when I was seeing other women. Telling her I loved her then going out and choosing to drink and do drugs and talk with and take other women out on dates only to have her find out about all of it and it hurt her so much. At the end of my freshman year of college I told her I was so so sorry and that I wanted to be with her again. She gave me another chance even tho I had caused her so much hurt. The summer went good but when I got back to school I ran around with the wrong crowd and got involved in the same bad behaviors only hurting her more. I improved I tried to become a good boyfriend to her. Then 2 months ago she found out I was self medicating my pain with drugs and could no longer deal with it and left me. I was devastated. I went to rehab and now go to NA meetings and I am clean off drugs. So I called her and asked her to go on a date. She accepted. We laugh. We enjoy our time together. But I want more and she says it doesn't feel the same and she doesn't feel comfortable or the same about being in a relationship. We get in arguments because I tell her I'm hurting because I feel like she's leading me on with having other intentions for herself. I will take her on nice dates and drive long distances to see her when she needs me but she still wants nothing more. I went out into the world and ya know what? Nobody is like my girl. I will love her till the day I die. Dealing with the pain that I caused her hurts me everyday. I sit every night by myself and thing. All the drinks. All the drugs. All the parties. Was it worth it? Was it worth hurting the person you love most? Was it worth destroying your body for a piece of mind that I never got? Was it worth it? No. I have to deal with the pain everyday and I feel like if she is gone. All my friends are gone. My family life is horrible. Then what's the point of this anymore? I'm in pain. I just want to feel better. I started seeing a psychiatrist and have been prescribed medication but I'm afraid it won't help. I want to feel happy again. I want to feel loved. I don't know what to do or how to make the long hours go by. If someone has had any sort of similar situation could you help me with some advise?