This came up in my last session. I did not feel anything when my dad and grandmother died except relief. I discovered last week that my mom was in the hospital after calling my aunt because she hadn't answered the phone in two days after her birthday. I told my T that I secretly wished she was dead. Then I said I know that makes me a horrible person. He said no, no it does not. We were in the middle of EMDR and he made me try something new. I was supposed to put the thought of I am a bad person for wanting her dead in one hand and something about all the horrible things she did to me in the other hand (sorry I was half way down the dissociation rabbit hole by then and I can't remember too well). Anyway, he did the buzzers and in the end I came to the conclusion that my thoughts and feelings are the result of how I was treated as a child and it's OK to feel this way. He reminded me that mother's day sucks for a lot of people. The media makes us (survivors) feel like crap if we don't have this intense love for our mother's but quite frankly some of them just don't deserve it and we should not beat ourselves up for it. So don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. You are certainly not alone.