But please, NOT better as in, continue to feel inferior, full of shame, but putting smiles on and dragging myself through life as I have been, because life is about accepting what is and what is is me feeling inferior and not good enough and just an outsider always. But I had moments when I accepted that I was an ousider and this is me and I was relatively okay.
But I can't live like that anymore. I don't want to go back to that, okay?
People pleasing is my default state, hence it will come back and I will think I'm okay because people will be nice to me because I will be acting as they expect me. Always being someone else, who they expect me. And then I will think I am okay but I won't be.
Or should I just accept all, that I am just this and live with constant shame and fear of living.
I am tired.
Just want to sleep.

*Please don't say that I should have done this or that, whatever self help method because I have read about all, almost, and I always feel stupid and incompetent when people assume I just don't know how to breathe right or need excersise or clean my energetic space or don't know about self love and self compassion and nonduality and mindfulness and kundalini and whatever. Been reading about all, trying all, doing some of it still. I don't want to upset anyone it's just I am always reminded about how incompetent I am. Please don't hate me for saying all this.