Writing here to cheer myself up.. to hold myself accountable for what's happening, maybe it will help.
I have been dealing with overeating/bingeing on and off for about 5 years. I had times when I was doing really well for couple months but then it will come back, sometimes in a once-a-week mode but sometimes it would consume me for couple days in a row :\ I am an active person, I want to live my life and to not care that much about what I am eating - I want to eat mindfully, but not obsess over food. I don't find myself obsessing too much, rather it is a problem to stop/control How Much I am consuming...
I also have desires of substituting addiction for food with addiction to other substance(s). Thoughts of going back to smoking (suppresses appetite) and drinking or both.. I wish I could just keep eating, and keep drinking, and then smoking and forget about everything.. Just let it go and be free. I am not sure where it is coming from. I live away from home since I am 16 and I am pretty homesick, but I think moving back home won't magically solve this issue. I don't know what to do.

Two years ago I tried Ayahuasca and felt awakened to self-love, my eating habits improved and I was free from binges for about 4 months. Then it crept back in.
I am a meditator, a dancer in the past and quite a conscious person in general.. I have close friends who are very supportive and caring, and they know I had eating problems in the past but I am ashamed to admit they are coming back now, I don't want to scare them and admit that I failed. or I feel like I failed, important distinction xD I just feel like I have been doing so much to solve this already, over these years , but it is still there, I am tired. Despite that I do want to find my way out. I do want to be able to sit with my ****** emotions and unpleasant thoughts and don't reach for food to make them go away. Thanks for reading, if you have any advice - please help..

Yesterday I was just in the mode of '**** it', I binged again and also drank 6 cans of cider.. i felt very free and like I could care less, like I want to totally mess it up and don't give a ****. But today I know that I made a mistake. It scares me that it felt so pleasant but I know deep down I want to be on a different path. Please share if you had similar experiences and got out, thank you.. <3