Thank you.
I think that (esp. lately) I associate "fighting" with torturing myself to get out there in "life" and show them that I'm fine when I'm not, try to be as anyone else would expect me to be. I think this is some kind of distortion in my mind, connecting the idea of recovery with mainly functioning well in society (and not with actually feeling better). And maybe that's why I don't want to do it. But I have done the pretending for so long that it's who I am almost.

It really means a lot to me that I'm not alone in this, though I am sorry you can relate. IRL I don't really talk about my issues openly but I do talk about them a lot in a sort of metaphoric way (and sometimes even more clearly) with people and I'm often getting the "everyone has these problems" sort of answer. Which is making me think that either I am not expressing myself the way I should or that I am actually fine because hey, look, everyone has thes issues and they are not complaining.
I do think I have a way to describe stuff in roundabout ways IRL because I'm afraid of rejection. It's like I have this need to talk about my issues but I'm afraid to do it clearly so I'm talking a lot but in general terms.
Like with my mother, she knows I'm not well and is constantly writing to me (she lives far away) about all kind of daily crap and she thinks this is what helps, because she is terrified of talking about emotions of issues or anything related. She is good in repressing all her stuff but I feel this pressure with her and I prefer not to talk. I just feel the shame of having emitions when talking to her.