I am in kind of a Zen place right now. Last session with T was maximum anxiety again. And major anger release. I don't even know how T can sit there for a full hour of that from me. From anyone. I had so much stuff to deal with, two main topics. When I arrived, I told him I was worried I couldn't get all this out and we have this pressure because I want to cover certain things with him before the big legal meetings next week. But we just haven't been able to carve time for this in our sessions. And he looks at the two topics and he chooses which one, and again, the one that we keep putting off gets shunted aside. I ask if I can have another session this week so we can deal with that other topic. This is the first time I have ever asked him for a second session in one week. He says no, he is all booked up. I don't know how I can have the two legal meetings next week without going through this thing first in therapy. But he says we have to deal with the other topic, which relates to my inability to get along with one of the other members of my divorce team. We've touched on this before, so that's what we spend the session on.

Surprisingly, it was not hard at all to ask for the second session. I just wish we could have had another session so he could have the right context for the legal meetings. I think it would add tremendously to his understanding of the situation and increase his ability to support me. But it wasn't to be.

We spend the whole session letting the fire out. I'm so angry at this other guy on my team and it comes pouring out. I'm irrational and paranoid and furious. (Well, I wouldn't want a second session with me either.) Decisons have to be made. I don't know how we will proceed. What should I do, I ask as we are wrapping up. Don't do anything, says T. I'll call you and let you know what is happening. I'm agitated and bristling. I can't help it. All that negative energy. As I am going out, T reaches for me. Can I have a hug? he asks. I go into his arms, yes, a hug is always something I cherish from him. I wish I were calmer and less angry. But the hug still feels good.

On the way home, I have my Ipod on shuffle and a very special song comes on, a song that has great significance to someone I created, a fictional character, who is in some ways my alter ego. I start crying. The song helps me connect with my character and her life and all the joy in the stories I wrote about her, at a time when there was no joy in my life at all. How could such joyful stories come out of such a joyless time? It seems like there is a truth there, that there must really be joy within me if I could create these stories, and I feel comforted by that, and a lot of my anger at this man I railed at in therapy deflates.

Of course, and this is typical behavior for my T, he has not called me like he said he would. And he doesn't work Fridays so I won't be hearing from him before the first legal meeting on Monday morning. I am totally out of the loop on what is happening. But somehow I feel OK about that. Like it is out of my hands, in the hands of fate. I just need to be myself, have courage, and not be swayed by others to be something other than I am. I can stand alone and exist and nothing can change that. In one last attempt at communication, I emailed both T and my lawyer this morning, asking, what is happening? Didn't hear back from either of them. It's OK, I'm still me. I'm still here.

Today I was at the bookstore Christmas shopping and picked up a book of poetry by Rumi, one poem for each day of the year. I opened randomly and read the poem for June 9 and it really touched me. It was about being human and helped me feel more at peace with the puzzling and rapidly changing and volatile moods I have been cycling through. The poem made me feel like that was OK and a part of being human; embrace it.

I am feeling some degree of equanimity toward the events of next week. I don't even have an appointment scheduled with T for next week; we ran out of time in session and didn't do our scheduling. That feels OK too. Maybe I don't need anymore sessions for a while. Maybe I just need to listen to music and read poetry.