sigh....
i knew this you know, thats why im having such high anxiety...
i already knew this

we called the case manager back... cause she never called back
and she said no klonopin because they want me to be sober for 6 months to a year.
ok........ wtf, you know..? whatever... i dont need them...

im shutting down guys... i can feel it, i know whats happening now

this is really really important

im going through myself, who and what i am is a mess... its clean house

its really painful... but im moving my psyche around, im changing who i am on a ... core level... i didnt know this was possible, but i guess people change all the time..

its just that i have so much pain inside of me that has not been dealt with, that thought it was having a turn to be dealt with... but its not time, these people can't help me... this clinic cant help me... i have to save myself... NO ONE can save ME.

this is what i have to hold on to.... this is the ugly truth that i have to keep in the fore front...
this pain has to stay deep down, there is no time for it right now...

thats what i meant earlier about bucking up, i have to get out of this hole... away from myself... to save myself, because no one can save me... no one can hear me... no one can see me - its just me here, only me

its all on me, i didnt do this to myself, but its all on me

im shutting down, i have to shut it down... its just this anxiety is killing me... i gotta get rid of it..
its going to piss me off and its not cool when i get pissed off at myself

the case manager told me that i HAVE to wait... i have to have patience, i HAVE to keep taking the saphris, i cant have the klonopin, i probably cant get a job right now and even if i did try i would have to wait for that

no one understands how dire the situation is ... why is it that no one can hear me?

im thinking about quiting going to this clinic... i thought that maybe they were gonna hear me this time... ya know.. but i think that i was hypnotized, they tricked me again.
they can't help me... im not sure anyone can help me but myself...

Priorities...
i need to quell this anxiety...
i need to find income...
i need to get a job asap, now, yesterday.
i need to forget my problems, i dont have problems.
i need to end this stupid madness, there is no madness.
there is no spoon

this is the end...

does that make sense?

i dont wanna go see them people at the clinic anymore... they dissapoint me... i dont wanna go to therapy anymore.. its made me worse... i just need a job, money, weed... forget about my problems, i dont have problems, IM FINE.




I wish someone could hear me...