So - a little update. Yesterday I was crying on the couch and on hold with a suicide hotline and I just decided I needed to get away. Went for a 5 hour drive... thought a lot. It was good. We actually ended up talking for about an hour when she got home from work. It was really good. In the past I think I approached the conversations wrong.. where my tone (which is SO HARD to read over text) came out more accusatory - like I was mad she wasn't devoting more time to me. And that made her feel guilty and feel like she couldn't talk about her life or I would get jealous and upset. So... I tried approaching it from the angle that I think what has made me the most upset these last few days is how I've handled it.. yes its hard to go 15 hours without a single message... but thats not her fault and it was wrong of me to be thinking of the situation that way. This is rambling.. but she comforted me and I talked to her about wanting to start therapy and stuff. She's also trying to work up the courage to seek help herself so I'm hoping that maybe seeing that I'm making a step in that direction will help her make her own.

wolfgaze - Yes... I've always been very insecure with myself and I do honestly think I haven't really dealt with the pain of my divorce. Long story short with that was we started being distant towards each other and he basically told me that i wasn't good enough for him and he needed to find someone more successful and ambitious and he was 100% unwilling to see a marriage counselor or consider fixing things... so. I see where that probably has led to my intense fear of her abandoning me and deciding she doesn't feel like being my friend anymore. Because literally the only other meaningful relationship in my life ended up with someone walking away from me. And I do truly think that if I become happier with myself and begin fixing some of my problems, I do think I won't have this feeling where I rely on her for my happiness.

prefabsprout Yes, i agree. With texting... she's never more than a message away. But if it was real life... we'd have to make a plan where we could both have the time to meet up for real. But now... if we have a few spare minutes during the day we can send off a few messages and then if we have more free time, talk longer. And conversely, I think if I DID see her regularly in real life.. I wouldn't have the need to feel like I need to be in contact all the time every day. Texting just can't replace sitting across from someone and truly enjoying someone's presence. I think the never having the REAL connection.. of seeing her face to face is what makes it harder and makes me feel like I have less of a connection to her than her other friends.

And I guess as far as the "hanging out" every week or so.. that would be on top of the other times that we can chat. Like.. sometimes we still can text like an hour or so in the evening. I think this would just be more of like a dedicated, planned thing. Idk... sounds silly lol.