I know! I handed everything over to him. And i can't get out of it. I realize i made a mistake in letting myself be that vulnerable-but do i have to pay for it every week via torture???? Like purgatory.

Very, very confused about what it is. I've thought maybe i remind him of an ex. Recently thought-maybe he is getting dimentia, but his memory is really good so it can't be that. I have no clue.

I've had a strong need to repair this for some time now but it's impossible when you're not allowed to look at the other person at all. Not comparing therapy to marriage but it's like this...every time-

Lonesome: I felt hurt when you did X.
Your H: Then why did you marry me?

and this-

Me: Not having a regular session is really affecting me.
My T: If only I change, you will change.

Kind of mocking tones. When I brought up my feelings again last week about his giving away my session, he said in a mocking tone "[former session time] is the ONLY time you can do". I never even said that. I'm so confused. Same tone when he said you are the ONLY patient who had an issue with that [giving away my session] in 40 years.



I am better now then earlier. I was losing it. Not having a regular session keeps me on the edge. I forget it about it emotionally, then i fall back into the abandonment spiral. But if I ask him for it explicitly, i'm afraid that will make him not do it. When i ask for things, he doesn't do them; it seems even if it was something he would have done otherwise. Come to think of it-i may have asked him tonight in an email--oh no, dear god!!!

We had a regular session for 3 1/2 years until recently. i have no idea why he doesn't see (or care?) how problematic it is with someone with my issues to have no session from week to week. I am perplexed with everything.

Wish i had the answers. It's like I can't walk away without repairing things but how can you when you can only look at 1 side of the relationship? Then he's sweet at other times. It seems like every other week-one week he's nice, the next he's mean.

I'm still holding up. We'll see when we meet this week. At least ok for now.
Ugh. Thanks for your support. I know it's so easy to say "find a new T". I can't discuss that right now though; can't consider it yet. I've gone to a few while seeing him and they make me want to run.

This is madness!