apologize... the above post is supposed to say "I've been trying to get benifits for 7 years" ... i guess auto correct murdered that one..

who ever takes the time to read these things... please bare with me...
i would say im sorry... but ive said im sorry for so many years... over so many things that i didnt do... i shouldnt be sorry about this either... im crying out for help... and the world is kicking me while im down... wounded...
so i shouldnt be sorry for crying out for help right...

i just don't know what to do... i need advice please...
i've been talking to everybody.... trying to talk to everybody...
family just says they dont know... they dont get it.. they dont understand...
im having a quarter life crisis... mental breakdown... something... and i just cant take it anymore...
the people at the clinic dont get it... my therapist said 2 times now she dont think she can help me... so why should i go see her anymore?
she made me worse... and now she's telling me she cant help me?
my case manager keeps telling me things like... you can go to the hospital... you can go to a shelter... you are applying for disability.. you just have to be patient and wait for the medications to work... wait for the disability.. going to the hospital can help...


its like no one is hearing anything i say....

does anyone here know what its like to be patient... for so long... to be positive and up beat about things for so long while being beat on and spit on by the surroundings...
while the world kicks you and laughs in your face at everything wrong in your life...
to remain patient when no medications work... through the crashing depression, burning self harm, waking up crying trying to figure out why you do the things you do, why life is the way it is, to get up and move around in the bubble, a fog, a way of being that is not alive, that is not your life, that is not you, so that things dont just fall a part...

can anyone hear me...?

i am sitting here... about to have a major panic attack because i was able to scrape up just enough to get 1 hit to try to calm my nerves enough to write one last piece before im gone for the rest of the week...

i just wanted to write...

im very very sad....
things are really not ok... i refuse to sit back and accept these things any longer...
i just refuse to sit back and allow this to happen any longer...
i refuse to wake up and let the fog take me... but it hurts, i didnt know it hurt so bad... im afraid things are falling apart because im pushing back...

its not part of the program, you know...
there is a glitch in the matrix, and its me.
but i have to do something... there is no other choice... i seen the end of the road... i seen where this all ends up if i sit back and dont do anything and i dont want that... i want different... i want happy... i want life... i want MINE.
its only fair i get a chance to live... this anxiety is crippling... physically... it makes it difficult to see... to walk... to eat...
but if i dont stop the fog from consuming me in the mornings... years will pass...
i cant lose any more time... i cant lose any more days... i cant lose any more months... no more years... i've lost too much...

i just wish someone could understand...

i want to wake up from this nightmare... and be normal...
happy... so happy. warm. fun... smiling... crying because im happy... not because im in pain...

im afraid you guys...
im afraid that im close to dieing... i cant explain the feeling you know...
its just like when you know something is going to happen... good or bad, just somethings gonna happen and you can see it coming... it just happens this feels bad... scary... like the end of the line is coming... like im running out of time...

maybe its not that im going to physically die... maybe im just grieving the death of my old self... or death of part of me... or death of something inside of me... or maybe something is merging... whatever it is it just feels scary and im afraid of it... feels like im going to die... the end of the line

does that make any sense... probably not...

i feel so alone... im surrounded by people... family... yet no one understands me...
no one can hear me...
im crying out... literally... i've been crying... in front of pretty much everyone... and all they can say are those general things like they just dont know what to do... no advice... no kind words... no help... i dont get it... i thought that maybe they could atleast say something like 'you know jacob its really hard time right now but we all here together and can survive anything as long as we stick together and we are gonna be here for you even though you feel like we cant understand we will do anything we can to try to help in anyway we can just ask us"
why cant they say something like that...?

instead i get cursed out and stuff... and told they have had problems their whole lifes too...

im so tired... i feel like i wanna go to sleep sleep... like real sleep sleep... inside sleep... but i cant because i have to stay focused... im not good at telling how much time has passed... it feels like its been a really really long time already... but at the same time not long at all... i just... i need to see something tangible... progress... i need to see something real... i need to see it happening so that i can relax... im so stressed out and cant relax because im afraid if i relax that im going to lose focus...
i cant fail... i cant slip into another 7 year "coma" i cant fail....

ill stop writing... i just wanted to write one last time before my mind took over for the rest of the week... i dont think i'll be able to control it so im going to try to stay away... im so sad.... i hate this part so much

i dont know what to do about this medication... to take it or not...
i guess i have no choice but to take what i have... so i guess im going to take the saphris and lay down...

im just getting so tired of crying myself to sleep...

goodnight you guys...