Hi everyone,

Brand new to the forum. I'm so glad a space like this exists. I was initially diagnosed with BPD type 2 almost ten years ago but didn't fully accept the diagnosis and start trying to manage it until about 3 years ago. My life, as the rest of ours, has been a series of successes and failures, but the instability and failures seem to grow with intensity and frequency every passing year.

I'm 30 years old and have had a measure of success in my life within the "job field." I've worked at the highest levels of national government and state government within the renewable energy field. I tell you this not to brag, but to at least give you some kind of understanding.

Basically, it comes down to this. I'm great at achieving things and equally, if not better, at destroying those things. Recently, I began a job at the Governor's office out here in the west and was over the moon about it. However, I had a huge amount of trepidation and fear about this job because every time I restart after a self-imploding failure and get back to a high level of employment, I always find a way to self-sabotage.

Sure enough, not even two months into the job, I'm on the verge of losing it and being back to ground zero. A week ago, I went into a huge hole and called in sick on Monday. The same thing happened on Tuesday and in my fear and insanity, I decided to create the biggest whopper of a lie I've ever told to a boss. Instead of just saying "I have bipolar disorder and I'm not well" I decided to come up with a real chronic condition as to why I was so ill. I said I had continuous variable immunodeficiency (CVID). Google it if you want. I proceeded to be out for the rest of the week and including today (Monday). Now that I've been out for over 3 days, I'm required to submit a medical release form to allow me to return to work.

I could easily pay $18 and create a decent medical release form (plenty of sites out there), but I don't even know if I want to do that. The last time I had a job of this level and magnitude, I punished myself by quitting because I wasn't perfect in the job. I'm this close to sending an email to my boss saying I quit, but I don't know. It's just repeating the same cycle again and again. I already hate myself for being a liar and manipulating my boss, and I'm at a point where I just want to be done with it. I know I love the chaos. I feed off of it. It's like I can't stand to have a steady, good paying job and find ways to self-sabotage. At this point, I don't know what to do, and time is not on my side.

I've copied the text of the email I am thinking about sending below. I'm sorry I haven't painted the clearest picture of my situation but it would take thousands of words to explain it all clearly. Thanks so much for reading.

Hi XXXX,

Thank you for the information. I'm honestly at a loss of words at this point to explain my situation. As you know, I was so very excited to receive this job offer and be back in the field I'm passionate about. I know my style didn't always mesh with the office but you always made room and accommodations for that, which I appreciated immensely. I honestly think at this point that in your best interest and in the office's best interest, I should no longer be employed there. And it is so much more than just the CVID. I thought I was stable and healthy enough to take on this much larger responsibility compared to XXXX and I was dead wrong. Ever since leaving DC in January 2015, everything I've worked towards had been building towards a position such as this. And now I've blown it. I can easily get the medical release form that is needed for me to return to work, but I feel like I've destroyed any credibility and trust moving forward. Am I allowed to come into the office and discuss this with you before receiving the medical release form? The soonest I'll be able to get it is Wednesday afternoon.

I'm truly sorry for wasting your time, XXXX's time, the office's time, and the XXXX's time. I'm honestly not in a healthy place at all right now and you need someone who is going to be reliable and healthy, without having to worry about personnel issues. Trust me when I say no one is more disappointed and devastated about this decision than I am. Thank you for the patience and understanding you have extended to me thus far.

Looking forward to your reply,

XXXX