When I was 9, I was sexually assaulted. My art teacher found out & was really supportive. I used to stay late at school to help out with art club. It was at this time the music teacher became very unwell & had a breakdown on school site. My art teacher found him & I secretly witnessed this happening. Afterwards, I was wary of the music teacher as he seemed like someone ready to explode all the time but kept his cool. I think I felt an affinity with him as he had expressed his pain but I felt unable to at the time. It was the first time I realised that people could live in secret with pain. Like I did.
Fast forward 7 years & the music teacher was convicted of sexually assaulting several young boys. Since this time, Ive tried to contact the music teacher, who went into hiding. All I wanted to say to him was "all this will pass". It was like I was speaking to my younger self. I wasnt condoning what he'd done. I just felt that if this chap could end up happy then so could I.
26years later, I found the music teacher. He is happy: ashamed, confused, but happy. It was like this weight was lifted off me. Im a 36 year old professional, married with 2 children... I have many areas of satisfaction & happiness in my life. But contacting this ex teacher has done something to me. Its like Ive always felt as though I made the wrong choice to report my assault. That my life would have been much different if Id kept my mouth shut. I wouldn't have gone through so much pain & isolation as a teenager. Or feel reduced in the eyes of people I loved
. So... what is this thing Im experiencing now? A release from a tenuous association I believed in? Im not sure. It would be great to have help to understand why I have been motivated to find this chap and to make contact. I cant condone his behaviour. I just know that if he could make it, I can stop feeling like Ive been pretending all these years.