(((((((((( Fuzzy ))))))))))))

You know, I really hurt for you. I am sorry that you have been hurt like you have. Trusting again is so hard.

I know what you think about my T. I have even posted and talked to you about struggling to trust her, and sometimes thinking that she hates me, or at least doesn't like me. I guess I'm learning something, finally. It's becoming clear that she really does care about me. I was always able to see that she cared about someone else, and I was envious and wanted her to care about me like that. Those feelings are not so much about T not caring, but about me not being able to feel cared about. There are many reasons for not being able to feel cared about, most having to do with being hurt or smothered or controlled, or having grown up with unmet needs. So we protect ourselves by not letting people get too close.

Our defenses keep us from feeling as vulnerable, but they also keep us feeling alone and unloved. It makes me sad that so many of us do that.

I don't think that all of the therapists I went to loved me or cared about me. Some of them never understood me and didn't help. But it is different with this one. She cares, and maybe even loves me. Even when she is mad at me, it is because she cares about me getting better, and she feels hurt when I don't get something that she thinks I should be getting by now, or sees me continuing the same patterns that are problems for me. If she didn't care, then why waste all that effort getting mad? Do you get mad at people you don't care about, or those that you do care about? When you get mad, you care about someone or something quite intensely.

I can also tell you that I care about the people I work with, and always have, and always will. I would even say that I love them. Even though it is a job and how I make my living, the feelings are very real. I would not stay in the kinds of jobs that I have had if I didn't care. Often I stay in bad employment situations that hurt me, because of my love for the people I work with.

The work that therapists do is hard, and it costs them. Some are better than others, but it is a profession that is all about relationships and love and caring.

(((((((((((( Fuzzy )))))))))))))))

I know that you have been hurt badly, and it is hard for you. I hope that you will be able to find help and tol feel love in the process.

Love,
Rap