"You can be happy"

No, I can't. That's the problem. Even when I'm "happy", my mind does what it does to keep me chained up. It is relentless and unforgiving. It keeps me tied to the idea that happiness is for other people, even when I "feel" it.

Then I take these meds that purposely bring me down so I can't cycle up and out of this everlasting depression. I'm so tired of being tired. "I'm having another episode, I just need a stronger dose." (7 Minutes In Heaven, Fall Out Boy). And the dose keeps increasing. Higher and higher it goes. Lower and lower I sink. There needs to be a balance here.

I keep taking the medication so I don't fall into delusion and paranoia (though the paranoia is still here, but more mild). I keep taking it so I don't lose it entirely. And it's torturing me with every pill along the way. I'm tired of being 'down'. I want to go 'up', again, like I would without the meds.

I don't know which way will hurt more, meds or no meds. I just know that I'm hurting now.