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My question is: Why does my family always try to shame one another, via scathing criticism, shaming, or mockery? They always talk about "seeking happiness" and spirituality and Buddha and all of that ********, but they don't back it up. It used to bother me a lot more than it does now. At this point in my life, I feel more worried than angry. As my uncle is in his 60's, I fear that the family complexes will cause alienation from the younger members, and the family will thus become separated, like my mom's.
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I found this information on a counseling website, about the types of dysfunctional family patterns. Do you recognize your family's pattern?
*One or both parents have addictions or compulsions (e.g., drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, gambling, overworking, and/or overeating) that have strong influences on family members.
*One or both parents use the threat or application of physical violence as the primary means of control. Children may have to witness violence, may be forced to participate in punishing siblings, or may live in fear of explosive outbursts.
*One or both parents exploit the children and treat them as possessions whose primary purpose is to respond to the physical and/or emotional needs of adults (e.g., protecting a parent or cheering up one who is depressed).
*One or both parents are unable to provide, or threaten to withdraw, financial or basic physical care for their children. Similarly, one or both parents fail to provide their children with adequate emotional support.
*One or both parents exert a strong authoritarian control over the children. Often these families rigidly adhere to a particular belief (religious, political, financial, personal). Compliance with role expectations and with rules is expected without any flexibility.
The counseling website then offers guidelines for people who want to change their role in their dysfunctional family. Cognitive therapy techniques, it would seem:
1.Identify painful or difficult experiences that happened during your childhood.
2.Make a list of your behaviors, beliefs, etc. that you would like to change.
3.Next to each item on the list, write down the behavior, belief, etc. that you would like to do/have instead.
4.Pick one item on your list and begin practicing the alternate behavior or belief. Choose the easiest item first.
5.Once you are able to do the alternate behavior more often than the original, pick another item on the list and practice changing it, too.