You're worth it, so I'll read on...

Truly, I'm impressed that you were able to realize that you tears and regret was for what you wish you had but did not. I've counseled many people for whom that was a revelation that they were not able to realize on their own.

My mom died a bit over two years ago. I do not miss her at all. Of course, I went no contact with her about twenty-five years ago so there was very little to miss except a romanticized version of what could have been - if only she had not carried a substantial number of internal demons with her. If I had a wish regarding missing my mom, it would be that she was worthy of missing. She was not.

You now your story better than anyone here, but I suspect that you were exactly what you should have been - particularly with the upbringing you had. As much as I lath using the word 'should', I would wager a guess that it would be a more accurate representation to say that your mom was not what she should have been.

Amazing how self-care and keeping oneself safe can be misinterpreted as disobedience, defiance and willful, isn't it? My mother hated me. She hated me because there were consequences of her abuse and I was a walking, talking, living expose of every criminal thing she ever did to me. So I distanced myself to avoid her vitriol. She thought I was all those things you listed - I know better.

You are never wrong to feel anything. What you do with those feelings might be unskillful (I prefer that to 'bad' or 'wrong'), you know, like beating yourself up for having a very understandable, very human feeling.

One skill we gained from everything terrible that my mother ever did to us was recognize people who would also hurt us before they did. We have excellent radar for damaged people who seek to relieve their pain by hurting others. You are not one of those people. You are the awesome kind.