i just want someone to love me

u know?... i think thats big problem for me...
people say they love me... but all my life they say that and look what they do to me... or did they say it ? i dont remember...
now its hard for me to let people close to me... or i let them close too fast and i get hurt and it reinforces the negatives...

i think thats why i like to get high... it makes the pain stop... it makes me feel warm... it makes me feel good... it doesnt make me cry...

i have this problem... in my mind... i go to these places... fantasies...
they make me happy... but they aren't real... the people aren't real... they cant be real... they all in my head... but i been trying to stop doing it... and i thought to myself laying in bed maybe that why i be so mad... because i just want to go there and be loved... because they dont hurt me... but im hurting myself because i trying to kill them off...

is that bad...? does that make sense...?

i just dont know what to do... ive been thinking about suicide alot because it just doesnt feel like its going to ever get better... but i would never hurt myself... i dont want to do that, its just like, you know... what if thats the only way you know... that would be a horrible life to have to endure.. so much pain for so long... but i would never hurt myself... its just a bad feeling that keeps happening... like what if there is no way out...
what if i accidently do kill the fantasy land and the pain consumes me...

i need to stop fighting... i need to let go... but things are spiraling out of my control... i dunno where things went wrong or what happened to make thigns like this...

all i know is i went to rehab and... i just... maybe it was such a shock... i dunno... i shouldnt of forced myself into something so dramatic maybe i told everyone that maybe it wasnt a good idea but everyone thinks they know me... they think that maybe i dont have a severe problem i told them that its really really bad even though they cant see it on the outside... inside things are very bad... i dunno why they cant see it on the outside...

i thought rehab went good though... i dont remember much of it... i dont remember much after it... i mean i dont remember much of anything ever anyway though so its no big deal right...? its normal... i thought everything was normal...
but things are not normal... somethings wrong... i dunno whats wrong...

im scared...

i just keep feeling like... overwhelmed... something keeps taking me over and wants to do things different... pissed off...
maybe because i been in a shell my whole life... going to rehab seeing how life is supposed to be was a eye opener and like wake up to something...

see i went to public school to 6th grade but stopped cause of my problems... started home schooled and tried to go back to public school for half a year in like 8th but i couldnt handle it so stopped.. and i just quit school an started drinkin and stuff full time... i mean i started drinkin and stuff at 12/13 yrs old ... but whatevr...
so i never really saw how things were suposed to be... i stayed by myself isolated all that time... in my room... away from people ... i know its unbelieveble... but its just the way things are... i just dont like people because people are hurtful... they cant be trusted and stuff... i mean i did parties and stuff too but i never liked to go to them... i dunno why i ever did cause i always woke up like wanting to not be there...

my point is that maybe something is pissed off at me... blaming me for these things.. and is going to hurt me if i dont fix these things... im scared you know... ive always tried hard... its just these symptoms are really hard to deal with...
panic attacks suck... anxiety is hard... flashbacks are hard... its all hard... and i hate it...
why is it mad at me though... cant someone tell it to leave me alone?
its my life... and i wanna just live peaceful... no drama... no fighting... but now its all inside of me... and now everything is turning me on myself...

im so confused... i feel so stupid... is this normal..?
i just wish someone could tell me its going to be ok... and really mean its going to be ok...

see what i mean by my medications not helping... i feel so helpless... i feel like no one can help me... my family dont get it... they cant help...
doctors dont get it and cant help...

i feel so misunderstood... forgotten about... lost...

im hurt so bad... and i feel like im left out here to die... like no one can help me... maybe no one wants to help me because they are afraid to try....
(dont go help him, you'll make yourself look bad by failing!)

im so desperate... if there was a god... he probably wouldnt help me either...

my posts are all starting to look like this... so i wouldnt be surprised if i stop posting for a while... i love you guys...