I too am in a similar boat. I think when I'm doing more well I don't think about it as much or sometimes when hypomania im having too much fun to think about it. But lately it's consuming me and I wonder how much of my past was spent in illness and not being in my right mind. How much better I might now be if I'd have accepted being truly mentally ill a long time ago. The reality is I might have been much worse off really.

Just do your best and realize the illness is not the real you. It's a part of you but doesn't define you. I understand what it's like to debate it all, especially the medication. I thought deciding to give my son ADHD medication was difficult (and it was) but these meds are really scary sometimes. It's equally scary to consider going into an episode and never coming out so I've committed to taking my meds for a full year as a poster on this board once mentioned and in that year I'm going to focus on learning meditation and coping strategies so that *if* my doctor and I ever decide that going med free is appropriate, I will have a ton of coping skills to rely on in times of stress. I've reduced my stress but eliminating it entirely is not humanly possible for anyone. I'm being realistic.

I look forward to reading what others have to say on this topic. I wish you luck. I wish me luck....I wish us all luck and courage and strength to fight this illness and come out triumphant (((hugs)))