Just to give you some background I work in a senior home there is a particular resident that I cannot stand but because of her own mental problems (dementia) you really can’t hold it against her since she’ll forget what you tell her a few minutes later. I try not to take it personally as best I can but when you are constantly told that everything you do is terrible and that everything is awful and not to mention the 100 + other people that I have to take care of well, it can be very tiring and quite stressful.
Well I manage to get out of work without screaming at anyone but when I got home to check my e-mail to find out that the class I registered for was canceled I went ballistic. It’s been awhile since I’ve gone into a full on rage but for about 10 minutes or so I felt like I was completely out of control. I kept screaming, swearing and I destroyed a poster of mine as well as slamming a couple of doors. The worst though is I tried stabbing myself with a pen, I did that about 6 or 7 times and did manage to break skin and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to have a bruise tomorrow.
I don’t normally do any type of self-injuring behavior and had I the ability to prevent myself from doing that I would have chosen not to but I was just so enraged my impulses were too overwhelming. In addition, I don’t feel the urge to harm myself now.
Maybe it is just the stress getting to me but it’s just that I feel as though I have no control over anything in my life anymore and it's taking every ounce of will power to keep from shutting down.