Thanks,for the kind replys,jinny and mtd

mtd,I don't keep these things secret to protect my family...
My wife knows that I had a very bad past but only knows a few sketchy details,she to had some abuse that she keeps to herself and I only know a few sketchy details,she prefers to keep this to herself and I don't want to pry since I don't need to know details to know she to had damage also.....and feel she don't need to know mine anyway since it is so compounded and it really don't matter at this point....we have pulled through with our relationship barely with a few speed bumps still..... I know that she would still love me despite my damage, since she frequently reminds me I am stuck with her now,no matter what "LOL" I am more communicative than her though and this is one of our biggest problems.......my mother I feel has contributed to the problems I have and holds secrets from me ....though she has tried to make up for it over the past couple of years...my sister has alienated her self from everyone and I have been trying to get my mother to reconnect with her so I can also have contact with her again, and I have a half brother and sister that I feel my mother never wants to know about the past...and tried to make up for her mistakes by raising better...I just have started to get to know them

My children are so young 5 & 3 and only comprehend what we show them right now.....if they ever asked about my past in the future I would be receptive but cautious to sharing....but I don't feel my wife wants to know or share more than she already has since we have started down this road before and had to turn around....I know this is not best but it is how we have managed it thus far...and I don't ever want her to feel pressure from me about this.

I am afraid however that my mental disorders could be compounded from past real life experience,possible genetics,possible brain damage from meningitis that almost killed me at one month of age...and then there was a teen phase of extensive LSD use that oddly is the last time I felt what I thought was normal, I did not see trails and hallucinate like all the rest. It made me feel superior and extremly smart.......I had already had delusions and hallucinations pre and post use.

Most people I am around just think I am overwhelming and crazy and may be right....but they seem to like what I do contribute despite this,since I have been able to (barely)hold the same job almost 13 years and a even longer marriage.

I just have always had a detached feeling from reality and this is probably where I feel the least normal, along with delusions,paranoia, lack of sleep and some hallucinations all of which I am good at keeping to myself to keep from being stigmatized from the general public.

I have dreams that are disturbing and feel a supernatural presence around me almost all the time....this seems to be getting worse as I age and is why I have started to try to find a better understanding from others....so I can protect myself and remain competent to protect and provide for my family.

Oddly I actually took a psychcology and sociology class in 9th grade....since this is what I thought I wanted to be...learned about things like the id,ego and super ego
etc,etc,etc ....and left feeling inflated...not good I know.
since now I actually feel like there is not a psycholigist with the capacity to understand me now...not good again
"I know"

I just feel like a antique vase that has been smashed to a million pieces and the glued back together...it may resemble the original but will never be the same...no matter what I do....I just don't want my glue to fail...one day

thanks again for all the kindness and encourgement you all show here.