Last fall I wrote a letter to my t to read in session saying I have a history of SI and currently use it as a coping mechanism. I wrote that I just need a place (i.e. therapy) to check in when I resort to doing it. Her response was that she had suspected but didn't ask and that she was sorry for not asking me.

A few weeks ago I crashed and well, what happened happened.

When my t asked if there was any si along with the depression and I nodded yes, she said it made her sad.

So, if I want to explore the emotions associated with the behaviour, how do I talk about it? I don't want to make her sad. The SI feels good to me but bad to talk about. It is too shameful.

I have a hard time talking in therapy to begin with.