This is going to be hard. T and I talked about the inner child article today. I told her how it validated me and she listened. I said how the child part tried so hard to be in her family but now I know she can't be and she is sad.

T had a very soft, cozy blanket on the couch and I was cold, so she suggested I wrap myself in it. She wanted to know if I felt comforted and safe with it. I asked if she would hold my hand which I haven't asked for months, but she wanted me to try comforting myself. Or rather, have adult me comfort the sad baby. That has always been almost impossible for me to do. T suggested I imagine a calm version of my mother holding me. For a second, I sighed and felt better but it was fleeting.

T said I CAN be the Self who is there for the grieving child. She said I did good work. I didn't cry in the session. I still block out tears.

I cried later. I am missing 2 sessions because I'm going to my daughter's house.

For so many years I kept trying to replace one T with another instead of trying to heal. What I'm feeling is painful. I have compassion for that baby and/or child. She couldn't help her behavior, as it seemed like a life or death need. This is hard!