Dear T,

I am only writing this bear because I have t got anyone else to tell, not the whole story anyway. I have been struggling. Since Tuesday night when the band leader said she wasn't able to make training band and asked whether the three of us who help sometimes could lead it. It sent me into a panic. I cannot be left alone with a group of children that age. I don't trust either them or me. I don't trust them and i am scared of them, and so I can't trust myself to act reaponsibly or appropriately. I couldn't tell her this though, could I, so I just said that I could do it if the other lady was there but that if she wasn't I had a real problem, and that I was sorry but that I hoped one day I could explain. A couple if years ago I would not have had a problem doing this, I didn't have these problems that I have now, but because of this work we are doing I think things are quite different now. Before, I had shut it away, so there was only a few things in life that 'triggered' me, but now, because it is being opened up, it is all so very in my face.

When I got there, she was talking to this other lady and when they saw me they stopped talking and loomed at me and then ignored me. I know they were talking about me. I know it is weird but I can't help how I am at the minute. I wish I could 'get over it' and truth be told, I probably could, but only if 'it' is shoved back in the darkest depths of the closet again, and I know that isn't the right thing to do, no matter how much I might want to right now.

It just hurt even more to see them talking like that and then ignoring me. They have no idea how much effort and discomfort it takes for me to help with the training section, and that I only do it because they bloody well needed someone and no one else offered. I think I am angry.

So I have been struggling ever since, but today I decided to do something, and I achieved it. After a rocky start, and a false start on getting up this morning I decided to cut a hole in the bottom of my hamsters cage so that I could attach a tube between the cage and her burrow box. I had to ring my Dad to ask him how to cut plastic, because nothing I was trying was working, but I did it by myself, and I am very pleased with myself. Spurred on by my success, I moved my living room around and tidied it up properly, because sitting in a messy room only adds to my struggling.

So, I am sitting here now in a nice tidy room and am feeling a little better.