I'm sorry for my incredibly long post, I need to get all these feelings out of my head. I feels like I have nobody to talk to.

I met my wife at our former workplace. There was some attraction but there was almost no chemistry between us. I was comfortable with her. It started out well you know, I really wanted to love her forever. I had found some flaws and annoyances in her but I thought that I could suppress those things for her better qualities. But at the same time, I was also falling for the other women as well. I never pursued this other women who I had a lot of chemistry with, I was head over heels for her. I was scared because I had a lot of insecurities, I'm a very attractive looking guy with a lot of insecurities.

We know each other through friends so it was hard for us to talk. At a party one night, there was a romantic song that came on, and I mustered all my strength to ask her to dance. She held me so close, it felt so good and romantic. We were more like hugging than dancing. I can still her soft body, I felt so complete. And I swear, it was the happiest day of my life, the whole world was so beautiful. The next morning, the grass was so green, flowers were so beautiful, I've never seen the world in this beautiful way before. You are literally high on dopamine.

(Here goes my head formulating stories): I think she tried to find/pursue me two or three times after that night, in which both times, I was with my girlfriend (now my wife). I could never talk to her though because I had no "game" with women and I was with my GF. The first time was when she showed up at our friend's house by herself, her excuse was to hang out with by buddy's sister, but I was with my GF that day. The second time was when she tried to talk to me at my friend's engagement party, and once again, I was with my girlfriend.

So, there was something that happened, a spark happened but we never finished it. I fell madly in love with this woman but I never gave each other the chance to find love or she could have dumped me. I could have moved on quicker if I knew that she never felt anything for me. But, I know in my heart that something happened between us.

Before I got married, I tried to find her through Facebook and Myspace to find closure. She deleted her Myspace account a long time ago and I could not find her on Facebook (she used a different name). I wanted to ask her if she had felt something for me before I get married. I was confused at the same time because I thought that it was just lust and obsession. I thought that I was being desperate and pathetic so why would she even like me. And so, as the wedding date came, I got married, thinking that one day I will forget about her and all my fantasies. I'm an easy going guy, I'm a people pleaser, and I don't like confrontations. I usually go with the flow of things and let things happen. I have a lot of insecurities and problems so I thought that marrying my current wife will help the situation out. Boy, was I wrong about that.

I was never happy in our marriage, and to sum up a long story, I don't really like being around my wife. I cannot watch a movie alone with her because she will ruin a good movie. She's a good person but I find myself to rather be alone than to hang out with her. That is sad but it has been the truth for a long time.

For a long time, I thought about the other woman occasionally but never had a strong urge to find her. Until one night, I had a dream with her in it. In the dream, I listened to her talk about a flood that happened to her family and I remembered saying something like "my poor love." Her voice was like an angel, it felt so good to hear her talk, I could listen forever. And at the end of the dream, we held each other close, I was the happiest guy on earth, the world was a beautiful place again, my life was complete, my heart filled with content.

And then I woke up! I felt this intense pain in my chest because I know that this won't ever happen. I woke up one day knowing that I married someone who I don't really love. I care about my wife but I find myself in a loveless relationship. I want the best for her, I want her to be happy, I want her to have a good life. But in my heart, I know that I also want to give a good life to someone who I truly loved. But that person is with someone else now because I decided to get to someone else before we could be together. I realized that I had made a mistake, it is truly the worse feeling ever. She literally has everything she wants, a good family, brand new vehicle, built a brand new house, and two beautiful children. One thing that I couldn't give was my heart because it is so difficult to let someone go.

I never proposed to my wife, she asked to marry me. She literally took me to the jewelry store to buy a ring. I was never happy in the process. As the wedding date neared, I couldn't back out of the wedding because the date was already planned, the guests were invited and party and everything was all set up. I did tried to cancel the wedding with my wife but when I told her she deserved someone who can love her more, she cried and broke down. She told me to leave because she said that I would feel terrible if I watched her cry like that. I couldn't leave her like that so I comforted her, she told me to give marriage a try, if it don't work, we'll figure it out then.

And I wondered if I felt this way because I fell in love with someone else. I wasn't happy even before I had this infatuation. The infatuation intensified the unhappiness, it made me want to escape. It brought out all my emotions and it literally forces me to do something about my unhappiness. I tried to suppress all these feelings for years. She knew that I stayed for the children and I was okay with that for a very long time. I didn't know that it isn't good to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids either. I was unhappy but the kids made me want to work hard for the family. I thought that if I just sacrifice myself for the kids, eventually everything will be fine. Apparently there is a next level to your unhappiness in a marriage, and at this level, you want either escape or continue to fight the battle. I've never told my wife about my unhappiness but she knows. She can tell that I am going through an extremely tough time, she told me to tell her how bad it is. I told her it is not very good and I am going to go see a psychiatrist for help. She knows I'm going through depression.

Waking up one day to find yourself married to someone who you don't have feelings for is the worse situation to be in. You feel like you in jail when you stay for the kids. You look out of the jail cell to see the woman of your dream with someone else. Your heart aches, you regret every decision you made. You feel weak, even walking is difficult at times due to flash backs. You feel incredibly sorry for everything that you did and didn't do. You feel sympathy for people who struggle because you know how the pain is so difficult to bear. You are forced to look for answers because of the unbearable pain, you gasp for air under dark rain clouds all day. You are broken in pieces while the world expects you to perform as usual. The depression is so real and you are ready to give up on life. It feels like your life is so long, you just wish that your life span is a lot shorter.