For the last three years – longer, even, for some aspects- I have had no control over any aspect of my life. I have had no control over who I see, who I speak to, who sees me eat, sleep, bathe, shower, change, burp, fart, wank or pick my nose. I have had no privacy for years, and I am the shyest person I know.

I have had no control over what you say about me, or who believes it. I have had no control over my employment or who my colleagues are. I have had no control over who I have sex with, what I eat, what I do in my spare time. I have been manipulated not just every waking hour, but in my dreams also. I have no control over my drivers licence, the maintenance of my forever home, my hopes, plans and dreams for my future. You have destroyed every single, minute aspect of my life. Every plan. My ****ing pension is screwed up by you.

But for the first time in three years I have control over what goes in my body. Drugs, alcohol, food, penises (penis’s? penis’? Peni?). Its MY decision. I have control over what goes in MY body. It is not up to you what I look like. It is not up to you what I eat. It is not up to you what goes in to my body. If I want to eat 3,000 calories a day I will. If I want to pickle my innards I will. And I will relish every single one of them because NO ONE will control my appetite again. NO ONE will control what I eat, what I look like. NO ONE will control what goes in my body but me.

If a by-product of my being ‘fat and disgusting’ and ‘drinking too much’ is that those freak show body builders don’t want to rape me any more – even better! Being attractive is as far away from what I want as you can get. If I want to double my weight you will not stop me. You can body shame me, humiliate me, say, think, judge what you like. I cant control any of that. But it is MY body, and I WILL control what goes in it. I will eat, drink and smoke whatever the hell I want and nothing you say or do will influence that again.