Sorry this is kind of a long rant and I’m sleep deprived, hopefully everything makes sense.

So my aunt died 3 days ago. I grew up with her, my grandmother (who started developing Alzheimer’s around the time I was born so I never really knew her as a person, she died in 2014), my mother (who is a nutcase. I don’t know if she’s a narcissist or something similar to that, but whatever she may be when I was a kid she severely abused me emotionally, sometimes hit me, locked me up and generally made my life hell) and my cousin (who is a an asshole and a creep and a pig, his behaviour towards me in the past has bordered on sexual harassment).

My aunt was the only person in my family who (for the most part) didn’t treat me horribly and I loved her so much. And now I’m completely alone. I don’t have any other relatives I’m close with, I don’t have any friends and I’ve never dated anyone. I want to be able to socialise like a normal person but talking to people is terrifying. When I’m around people I can’t even think of anything to say, I just keep thinking how I haven’t done anything in the past decade. It’s humiliating. I have a lot of issues, and I’m not a psychologist and I don’t want to diagnose myself but I do think that depression and social anxiety are very obvious. And it wouldn’t surprise me if I had some sort of personality disorder because I’m completely socially inept and can’t seem to function like a normal person. I’m useless.

I dropped out of school when I was 14 (I’m 25 now). Tried again the next year and I stopped going after about a week. When I was 16 I went to a school for adults where I would have had to go for 3 hours a day (for 1 or 2 years, I can’t remember) and I lasted 2 days. Even after that I still talked to people online all the time, but in my late teens I started isolating myself more. The most frustrating thing about that is that looking back I really didn’t know what the hell I was doing and the long term consequences of my choices hadn’t even crossed my mind. I’ve also never had a job and I have 0 useful life skills. My family was no help whatsoever and I also tried to isolate myself from them, as much as that’s possible within the same house. School didn’t go well and neither did trying to be around people, so I convinced myself that I didn’t need any of those things and I started spending most of my time alone while doing my best to keep myself distracted from reality by watching movies/tv, playing videogames, fantasising about the life I’d rather have and about things that will never happen. Also eating a lot of junk food. I got kinda chubby over time, but I should consider myself lucky that I had always been very thin to begin with because otherwise I would have probably become obese. I did get better over time at controlling what I eat. I haven’t actually felt like eating much since my aunt died, not sure if that’s better or worse. I’m also ugly. Being ugly and socially inept is a pretty bad combination.

Years ago, before my aunt got sick I had this silly revenge fantasy where I would kill myself and people who knew me would feel really bad about it, but at that point I wasn’t actually seriously considering doing it. My aunt initially got sick four or five years ago and nearly died a few times since then. I didn’t go to visit her every single time she was in the hospital because I was scared, which made me feel even worse about the whole situation. Each time she was in the hospital for me it was a combination of feeling extremely anxious and desperate and thinking that if she died I would kill myself because I couldn’t imagine living alone with my mother (my cousin has been studying away for a while), and that if she didn’t die I had to figure out how to fix my life which obviously didn’t happen. I have no motivation to do anything.

Before she died she was sedated and unconscious for 5 days. I didn’t go to see her initially because there were people with her all the time. My cousin was there a lot, my mother visited her a few times, and some other relatives, her former co-workers and friends too, she had a lot of friends. I knew she didn’t need me there but I still felt horrible about it. I finally went to see her 2 days before she died and it went about as well as I expected it to: my mother was there making herself the center of attention and complaining and criticising everyone else, three of my aunt’s friends were there and my cousin and his girlfriend arrived later. No one talked to me the whole time and I didn’t talk to anyone either. People who know me treat me like I’m a mentally deficient freak. I realise this is partly my fault because I don’t behave normally but I know for a fact that my mother tells people some pretty awful and false things about me. It’s embarrassing and we live in a small town and it just makes everything worse for me.

I found out my aunt died several hours after it happened when I went to the kitchen to eat something and I heard my mother in the living room talking on the phone to someone about what had happened. Apparently letting me know about it wasn’t a priority for either my mother or my cousin, she did call me (my room is upstairs, she doesn't go upstairs) later in the day but I just hung up on her because I didn’t even know what the hell to say. I didn’t go to her wake or her funeral, I could not force myself to be around all those people who think I’m a freak and don’t like me.

After I found out I literally paced around for hours. It almost doesn’t feel real, I just can’t believe I’m never gonna see her or talk to her again. Maybe it’s because I’m an atheist but this is devastating. I was resentful because she had always been somewhat neglectful of me, but after the first time she got sick and almost died I wanted to forgive her and have a better relationship with her. This was extremely difficult for me, I didn’t know what to do or what to say and she didn’t particularly seem to care. She wasn’t mean to me or anything like that but I just wish she would have tried more or paid more attention or tried to help me or loved me more? I don’t know. I suppose it’s my fault, I should have been nicer to her or maybe she thought I didn’t want to be around her, which would also be my fault. I was not mentally present, for as long as I can remember I have always wished I were somewhere else or someone else. On my last birthday on April she kissed me on the cheek and I wanted to hug her (I don’t even remember the last time we hugged, I do remember this one time when she was going to hug me but I didn’t let her) but I couldn’t do it and now I’ll never be able to. My aunt was the only positive thing in my life and now she’s gone and I can’t stop thinking about her, and I don’t want to stop thinking about her because I feel like I’ll start forgetting stuff about her and I just feel awful.

I'm angry too because I think her death was preventable but the doctors were too incompetent, and because she should have tried seeing other doctors and hospitals, and maybe I should have insisted more that she did that.

I’ve never been in such mental anguish. I’ve barely been sleeping, the day she died I didn’t go to bed at all since I figured it would be pointless. I already had insomnia before all this but this is so much worse, I feel restless. My stomach hurts, my head hurts, sometimes my hands and arms feel numb or my whole body starts shaking, I’m sick of feeling lonely and sad and tired all the time. I have no life. I’ve spent so much time and effort trying to ignore reality because I can’t deal with it and now I don’t know what to do. I should kill myself. I am going to die sooner or later anyways. Everything just seems meaningless and I feel like I’m just prolonging my misery for no reason. But I’m scared that I’ll do it wrong and end up with brain damage or something, or that I’ll do it right and whatever possibility there is of my life getting better will disappear and I’m scared that if I don’t do it I might go insane.

I know I should at least try therapy but I don’t even know what to say to begin with, I’m terrible at expressing myself. I’m scared and embarrassed and I don’t see how anyone’s gonna be able to help me at this point, just because someone has a degree that doesn’t mean they’ll be helpful, and what am I supposed to do in between appointments? I have no life. Every minute of the day I wish I didn’t exist.