Dear T.

I don't feel very talkative today. I am just so used to sitting with my thoughts, alone. Learning to talk to you feels like learning to quit an addiction. Sometimes it goes well, I feel strong and positive. Other times the effort is so great that it feels like the hardest thing I ever had to do. Sometimes I just can't be bothered, because I know I will never be completely free of the desire anyway. But overall I know it is for the best, so I try and try and try, and there are setbacks and I fall but I do get back up again, because getting back up is what I do.

I wonder what will happen in 20 minutes. I wonder how much you will see and hear. I wonder if can let some of this be free. But then, is it freer out or in? I haven't an answer to that question yet. I still do feel like changing is giving up who I am. Keeping things to myself is so fundamental to my being that giving that up, giving that away means that I won't be me anymore. That's scary.