Yesterday I wanted to die. I woke up and came to the firm decision that I was going to kill myself.

I even did a practice cut down my inner arm, tracing along the vein. How deep do I dare? The answer was not very, this was not the method for me.

So I somewhat composed myself and went into the office as normal. Where I couldn’t concentrate and my plans were running through my mind, no method seemed like the right one. I spoke to a friend about how I was feeling, I got upset, but not too upset - it’s impossible for me to cry right now.

My friend rang the doctor and I’ve been referred to the crisis team, but have to wait until today. I agreed that was fine - if I was going to kill myself then what does that matter, I may as well keep everyone happy for now.

When I got home, it started to feel real, all these thoughts I’d been having. Being around my family gave me doubts - could I really put them through this? Maybe this really is selfish of me. I decided to go for a walk.

I walked through fields, in no particular direction. over an hour passed and it was pouring it down with rain and I was soaked through, in the rain I screamed, I desperately tried to cry but I couldn’t get any release from these feelings. The farmers fields were getting harder to walk through and I was getting covered in mud. It caked up in my heel and made my boots heavy. A phone call, my boyfriend wondering why I hadn’t been in touch. I told him I was just walking. I told him I was fine.

Of course he knew I wasn’t.

It got dark, the rain still poured. A good old things called Find Friends on iPhone showed my Dad where I was, a car appeared, my boyfriend.

He ran to me and hugged me close. I went rigid, I didn’t want to be touched, I just wanted to be left alone to think. He put me in his car, I didn’t wear my seatbelt as a subtle way to play with death. I realised that doing dangerous things was the only way to make myself feel alive. I remembered walking down the middle of the busy road earlier that night, only moving out of the way at the last minute.

When I got home my parents were there with hugs and open arms. I’ve gotten through this before, they said. I cried, finally I cried. The messiest crying where my heart hurt and snot and tears got all over their shoulders but I didn’t care.

So now I wait, wait for the call from the Crisis Team to see what they say.