I've given up. I just don't care all that much.

I don't know how to be personal with people because I don't know how to be personal with myself. I think I neglect myself.

and I'm scared and I don't trust.

but I don't have time for a relationship. And I don't think I will ever succeed in getting one. I was talking to some people on a dating site but it's boring and time consuming. I don't care about people.

(it is like a job interview. you chat. if you pass their test they ask for your number. you exchange texts/videocalls and if you pass that test, you meet up in person. it is just a series of hoops to jump through. the man I was talking to - I was able to play to what he said he was looking for. he wanted my number after some messaging. then I lost interest because I passed his test. so I said I would not like to go to that step yet and he lost interest. how boring.)

I don't understand how relationships happen. What drives the urge to have one? And for ppl to actually follow through and get together? people were already having relationships when I was in middle school. sure, they weren't grown up relationships, but they were still able to negotiate a deal that they were together. I never understood how it worked.

similarly, I can't connect to therapists so they all give up on me. apparently we're supposed to bond for the therapy to actually take place.