well... i have my computer clock setup this way for this reason...
that way i can see the date often... but i just happened to realize that a month had passed yesterday.. like a time skip, but this kind of thing happens all the time normally just on smaller scale... i dunno, i just need to relax... im really stressed out bad and the only way i can make things better is to get a job or find some kind of way to start making money... structure... stability... stability... structure...

im in a time tornado...
i really dont know whats going on, i know i know, drugs are bad mmkay, and maybe they aren't making things better but damnit im in a lot of pain and i just want it to stop ........
i keep being electrocuted... panic...argh
then feel like im going to faint its an all too familiar feeling...

i feel this greatness inside of me... its name is lonely... may as well be, thats what it is...
when i am with people in my mind it feels better, but i cant live with people that are not real..
now i am lonely too and it hurts like heart break

why can an imagined caress warm your soul? an embrace make you feel connected deeply to someone thats not real?

sometimes i just want to leave here for ever because it hurts too much having all these panic attachs and pains and everything else that comes with it

but im torn between worlds i guess... cant quite lose my mind completely...

anyway... im just rambling now... because of this extreme anxiety and extreme sense of loneliness...

i just feel like im losing time... like i've read about it before, but i cant really remember much about it.. just that you sort of realize that so much time has passed or something.. whether is an hour or months..? i dont have memories or time at this moment.. i just know that i got out of rehab and things have been on fast forward... im in a time bubble or something weird is happening to me... im really stressed out though so i just wanna say im sorry for being weird cause im just goin through a lot of bad stuff right now... im being put in a lot of stressful positions and im pretty much forcing myself to take a stronghand approach to everything because im sick and tired of BS and thats not how i should handle things because of my anxiety... but... you know... i dunno... i cant help it, i just want everything to change and i really cant stop myself im kind of out of control...

but im in so much pain... so much pain... i dont know what else to do...
this is like the last cry for help... the last attempt to fix things... and it has to work... its the hail marry you know?

im giving it my all... and its taking everything out of me, and i cant stop myself now even if i tried, its doing it by itself

i dunno, i have a huge problem with embarrassment. i dont like to be embarrassed.. and coming here is really something that is embarassing, im kind of wondering if writing these things here is making my anxiety worse?

but i need people to talk to about this stuff.. i just dont wanna feel judged - who wants to be judged over something so personal

i have a lot of problems... and im just trying to figure them out... so dont judge me for trying to do something difficult...

thinking about losing time really though.. my "time line" is really messed up, autobiographical memory or whatever its called..? that stuff is really wacky... there is absolutely no order or structure to my memories(the ones i have access to)... they just sort of float around in this void .. mashed together

thats enough writing for now... my hands are tingling.. need to take a walk / breather or something... need air...