Thank you all for your answers and support. i really appreciate it very much.

i do think she is not very professional, but i always overlooked it because her being unprofessional was at my advantage too.

i also never cared much about what she thought of me, she made me feel she knew me and still wanted to work with me, so i was not really afraid of opening up. but now, with everything on the plate, i feel like i disappointed her, as she has disappointed me today. i feel a rupture. i have always thought that once they got to know my self destructive core, nobody could accept me, and today she has proven it.

she did not add anything to the sentence i wrote above. i know she cares, but what she said sounded like she is giving up on me. not that this changes my plans, but hearing she say "FINE" was hurtful.

i have seen her for about a year and a half and have not really thought about quitting until today. not because i feel i make progresses but rather because she is my safety net. i have nobody else IRL whom i can talk to. really.

i read the suicide-paradoxical-intention article but i doubt she was doing something like that. she is very blunt and i dont think she had planned something like that.

i dont think i can go back and talk about this again. for now im thinking about cancelling next appt and see how it feels. without her.

and i could call my old T and tell him everything, i know he would understand and accept me, but i dont feel like really going back to him for regular sessions or to anyone else. i could be just really giving up. whats the point anyway?

but i'd have to tell my parents, explain why i decided to quit with a lie and i really dont feel like doing it. maybe thats another reason why i have doubts about quitting. i could keep gonig and pretend im fine making small talk. i could do that...