I struggled most of my life talking to people in a reasonable conversation. I grew up with parents who had issues communicating with people & honestly I was afraid if I opened my mouth & started talking to people I would embarass myself as bad as my dad embarassed me when he was talking with people. He was oblivious to what he was doing & what he sounded like. He was in his own little world. I remember there were times when I knew I had important things to say but thought I would pass out before ever getting it out of my mouth.

Then I ended up marrying a guy very much like my dad only add a college degree. Impossible to communicate with. He could at least talk intelligently about his interests but couldnt talk with people in a general like conversation.

I think I managed better than I felt like I did though looking back I realize that living with my parents & my H was such a stressful life that I had a hard time retaining anything even my thoughts though I managed to kill myself studying in order to graduated with a 3.25 in my accounting/computer science degree. I didnt feel like my brain had it in it to do anything more than that.

Conversations with people were difficult as I had never been around a reasonable conversation my whole life though I craved it. I remember one conversation thatsort of summarized the life around me. I was trying to have a serious cinversation with the new H of my horse trainer. He was having a serious difficulty & understood both sides of the issue. My H was with me just standing there (I assumed listening to the conversation) but when my horse trainers H asked my H what he thought, out of the blue, he started talking about the weather rather than answering the question or even responding with a comment about not knowing enough to have an answer or thought on the topic. That pretty much summarized conversations throughout 54 years of my life or worse with stupid arguments about things not being what they are. Having conversations with people like that was pointless & the fear if sounding like that with others kept me from wanting to engage.

The strange thing was that after my mom died ( I was 52), my dad had died years before that, & 2 years later I finally left my H (after 33 years)....it was like all the stress was gone & my brain could work like I wanted for the first time in my life.

I moved across the country. Didnt know anyone & the first thing I did (so out of my character) was to join the library book club at the town's library....& what shocked me most was that I actually participated in the discussion rather thsn sitting & listening like I had ALWAYS done before. That was my first baby step to having conversations much more easily with all the new people I met in the new place I was living. It was like a door had been opened for me to become more the me I had always wanted to be but surroundings always seemed to stifle what was hiding inside of me wanting to get out. I could listen better to what people had tosay. I got to know people like I had never been able to before...like all that junk in my brain was gone & it was finally able to be free to think, put the pieces together & just open it up to the freedom to think.

Its been a strange experience. One I never thought possible especially the ability to really connect with people & have wonderful conversations. I can now be in a totally new group of people & jump right in with them in the conversation. Sometimes I wonder where this new person came from but I have time to read, time to learn, time to focus rather than fight....I have time to learn who the REAL ME, really is.