This sounds like my old t. She always said I irritated her and if I was going to take my life that was my choice but to remember that the world will still go on. She was a gestalt therapist. Do you know what kind of therapy your t practises?
I don't know what your relationship with others is like but when you describe a feeling of not knowing why you are going back but wanting to, there seems to be some kind of reenactment going on here. Something like the drama triangle. Have you heard of it? Something in you is provoking this reaction in your therapist, this is not your fault, she isn't monitoring her counter transference towards you. Do you know if she is in supervision?