“I had to be a father, and I had to be a mother to keep him safe, and that wasn’t fair. And I couldn’t do it. I hate you and I love you. Because I can’t help it. You’re my mom.” -Supernatural, 'Who We Are'.

Everything I've ever wanted to say, words pulled right out of my mind, words I've never allowed to leave my tongue. I didn't know it was alright to feel this way. To both love and hate. Love because you can't help it, after all, that's your mother. Hate because everything she did, it hurt and it still hurts.

I had to watch you leave mom, over and over again. I had a little brother who knew nothing of taking care of himself and no one else was there. I didn't know what I was doing and I failed him over and over again. I was a kid who had to be a parent. All I knew of parenting was what not to do because I understood what it did to me. Do you understand that? Can you grasp the never ending pressure on my shoulders? Maybe you can because you left me. You left us. And he had to suffer through having an older sibling as a parent rather than his mom or dad. You were gone and dad avoided parenting until it was convenient for him, and it rarely ever was.

With all of this, I will quote this episode again, "I understand and I forgive you." Now please, forgive yourself and just be our mother. Please.