I'm used to having tailspins. I go into them, and I come out of them. They pass. This one that I'm in is way worse than usual for days. I tell myself to just get up and start doing things and I might pull out of it. You can't think yourself out of these downturns. That's what experience tells me. I had 3 disappointments this week that were out of the ordinary. I guess that's what set this off. I usually can find a cause.

I gave up on running to pdocs and therapists years ago. They're no help. I take one antidepressant from my regular provider that I've been on forever. I always got worse when I went off it, so I stay on it. Pdocs have given me everything else you can imagine - every category of drug. They were all a waste of time. I won't re-try any of them.

My living circumstances aren't very happy, but I've been in them for a few years. It seems I haven't been this bad off since 2013. I was used to going up and down. But not this far down.

It's a beautiful day out. I'm just crapping away my time - what's left of my life.