I'm gonna write this as I feel it. If it comes across as confusing, weird etc... well, I'm all of those things.
I remember when I was little I used to sit on my Dad's lap with my head on his chest, listening to his deep voice. It made me sleepy. To this day I have no idea what happened but all of a sudden he ignored me... totally. Didn't even talk to me. Being a child, I was flexible, I was confused but flexible. So I stayed out of his way and tried to be a good girl. I had 2 brothers, much older than me. One is 6 years older and the other one 13 years. Let's call the one who is 6 years older Brian and the other one Tommy. Brian plain tortured me when I was growing up. Whenever he knew I was scared of something, he'd scare the hell out of me with it, he locked me in a closet for hours. I thought I was being smart by hiding a flash light in the closet but he found it and took it away. I was panicking in that dark closet and still to this day I'm afraid of the dark. When I started to act tough, he'd let me out and beat the crap out of me.
Tommy used to get in the shower with me. I have no recollection of that, just that he came into the shower and started to wash my hair after that my mind goes blank. Now that I'm in my 40's I think it's kind of weird that a 19 year old would shower with his baby sister......
Anyway, Christmas 1969. I remember it like it happened yesterday. It was Christmas Eve and we were having dinner. All of a sudden my Mom put her fork down, looked at my Dad and said:"If you don't go pick her up, I won't celebrate Christmas". My Dad was silent and I was very confused. Who the hell was she talking about???? My brothers were silent. But I was whining:"I want Christmas, I want presents". What the hell did I know?? I was 6 years old. Turned out I had a sister who was 18 years than me!!!! What??? A sister??? Eh.... what are you talking about??? My Dad went to pick her up. In the meantime my Mom explained to me that I had a sister, she would come home with her son and she had been through a bad marriage. That was it. And she came home with her 3 year old. I thought she was scary looking like a witch because she was all pale and had a big nose and she was skinny. For months I called her "Ma'am' after that aunt and finally I called her by her name. In the meantime Brian kept torturing me. My Dad started drinking and there were many times that we had to get out of the house to escape his terror. For some reason he always wanted to set me on fire. It is not fun when your Mom wakes you up and tells you:"We have to go". We spent nights on the streets with my winter coat over my PJ's.
When I was 10 my Dad and Tommy got into a terrible fight. They were both drunk and Tom thought that my Dad was hitting my Mom. He wasn't but Tom beat the crap out him anyway, my Dad couldn't work and was in bed for weeks. Needless to say, Tom was kicked out of the house just like my sister before him. I learned she got kicked out because she loved an Indonesian man and got pregnant by him. I also learned that my Dad used to beat the crap out of her causing broken ribs etc. Turned out that my Dad was a racist of the worst kind. He only beat her up because she loved someone who had a different color........
Anyway, when I was 12 my Mom & Dad had a party for his job and they asked Brian and his girlfriend to baby sit me. I was 12, I could take care of myself but no they wanted them to baby sit. Brian did say:"I have plans to go the movies" but my Mom never asked what movie. They took me to see The Exorcist.....
I was scared for months, didn't sleep, didn't eat, my grades went down because I was absolutely positive that I could be possessed by the devil without even knowing it. Of course I didn't tell anyone that Brian had taken me to see this movie because he said if I would tell something terrible would happen to me. He said:"The devil will find you and possess you" so I didn't say anything but I was sooooo scared. And that's when all the %#@&#! started happening: I was afraid of everything, I thought my teacher was Adolf Hitler, something terrible could happen at any time, I could die from some mysterious decease because of the devil, I was afraid for my Mom because she was my everything and she always loved me and protected me whenever she could but she could die at any moment. When I was 14 my Grand Dad died. I loved him. He was always nice to me and interested in what I what I was doing, how I was doing etc. But he died of lung cancer. I cried at his funeral like I never cried before and I was convinced that it was the work of the devil. Call me crazy..... I told my Mom and she took me to a doctor. He said that I had been through a lot and gave me Valium. I was knocked out most of the day..... but I loved the buzz. At 15 I discovered I liked women more that I did men. I've had one boyfriend for about 6 months but when I saw Stevie Nicks that sealed the deal for me. Her aura.... wow. It was February 1977 and I'll never forget the clip for Go Your Own Way. She looked so fabulous with the blond hair, the top hat, all dressed in black and her smile made me melt. I decided that I loved her but how are you gonna tell that your Mom????