So I fell in love with Stevie Nicks. Not only that I started to look differrently at the girls at school. But..... Brian was in a gang and they used the beat up gay people and were proud of it. And I thought the devil had finally got a hold on me so I was hiding it. Until one night.... after dinner I went to my room to drool over my Stevie posters and my heart started pumping like it wanted to jump out of my chest. I started sweating, It felt ,like I couldn't breath, there was a tennis ball in my throat. I couldn't breath!!!! I was dieing heeeeelp. I came out of my room screaming for help. My Mom felt my pulse and said that it was too fast (add fuel to the fire), my Dad said:"She needs some fresh air" but my Mom called a cab and we went to the ER. They did some tests, my heart was fine but the doctor recommended more Valium. On the way back home I told her that I thought I was a lesbian. She said:"So??? As long as you're happy, I'm happy". Oh my God, what a relief, the devil didn't get me after all. Mom said it was fine so %#@&#! the devil. FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!! Brian made sarcastic jokes, Tommy didn't say anything at all and my sister told me:"No matter who you are, I will always love you". I didn't care, I was just happy that I could be who I needed to be. I told a girl at school that I was in love with her..... Bad move, she turned me down flat. Not only that, she told her whole class about it and I was treated like a paria. I went from the most popular because I made jokes all the time to a nobody.
Two year later my Mom died. Turned out she had ovarian cancer and she died within 2 months. She went into the hospital in June and died in August. That period was so strange for me, like it wasn't my Mom who died. I was the only one left at home and my Dad and I didn't exactly see eye to eye to say the least. OK, I hated him. It's bad, it's cruel to say but I did hate him. And guess what?? He hated me too. After my Mom it didn't take him long to throw me out. I had nothing, just the clothes on my back and some change in my pocket. But I had a very good friend who opened her door for me. We're not friends anymore but I'll never forget what she did for me, she gave a roof over my head.
By the time I was 23 I was so hooked on Valium and alcohol that I was partying every night. In other words I went out every night. And then I met her.... Mandy..... At that time she was the love of my life, I devoted myself to her, I was hers all the way, she was my first love.... and she took advantage of me. I was so gullible that when she said:"I've met someone else, please give me some time to spend with her. I'd always come back to you", I said:"OK, take as long as you need". But after 2 months I couldn't take it anymore. She left me alone with her 3 year old son, I took care of him. All in all were together for 6 months and she pretty much ruined lesbianism for me. She broke my heart, not only that: she asked to move in with her and I did, I gave up everything, even my cat. When I left her I had nothing but a b/w tv, a stereo, a phone and a floor lamp. I didn't even have a bed. But I had friends so one donated a mattress, another blankets and sheets and so on. Little by little I gathered stuff. I was heart broken but at least I had a roof over my head.
In 1988 by chance, I met Stevie Nicks. The sweetest person you can ever meet, so funny and sincere. We talked for hours and all my 'in love feelings' were gone. We had a lot of things in common and we shared the sense of humor but that was about it.
I'm gonna take a big leap forward now to 1996, I was 33 and such a drinker. I only drank beer so at first I didn't think I was an alcoholic. It turned out that I was. Also I hadn't dealt with anything. The dead of my Granddad, my Mom, Mandy.... it was all buried. So after drinking for 16 years I went into rehab for 6 months. I met a man there. His name was Dirk and my gut feeling said there was 'something wrong' with him. I listened to my gut feeling for 6 months and I didn't find anything wrong with him. He was following me like a lost puppy, he always needed my help etc. When I finally comitted to him it was Dec. 24th. On Januray 10th we were drinking again and that's when he first hit me. I knew the scenario: he would call me the next day, cry, say that he was sorry etc. And that's exactly what happened. I was just stupid enough to take him back again.... and again.... and again. It came to a point that he beat me up so bad that my neighbors and my own doctor didn't even recognize me. He cheated on me several times and gave me a STD but I thought:"If this relationship doesn't work, nothing ever will" plus I had the feeling that I deserved it. My Dad had thrown me out, Mandy found other people more interesting and..... my Mom had died on me. She %#@&#! left me when I was just a kid, I didn't know or understand any of it. So I put him for almost 5 years, put up with his drug use, his lies, his cheating and the beatings. After all those years I finally mustered up the courage to leave. When I did he said he was gonna kill me. I just laughed and said:"I dare you". He didn't do anything but I filed charges for abuse. He served 8 months......
And then I met Peg in 2004..... what can I say? She's everything I've ever wanted, she's the love of my life. She had it rough for a few years because I didn't trust her (I didn't trust anyone) but we're doing great now. We have a Jack Russell named Shakes and we've been together for almost 4 years.
Yes, I'm happy but there is a lot that I can't talk about, not even to Peg, or to myself. As for the drinking, I still drink but instead of every day it's once a week and as for Stevie Nicks she's still hot