Hey adieuolivaw, for the record, I think you are so adorable and entertaining! I enjoyed your response to this thread

Ok, my username. Well it comes from an Alanis song (BIG SHOCK, right? lol!) The song is called "Mary Jane" and it's a good portrait of depression, pain, and cycling through it over and over again basically. I relate to the whole song and sometimes I listen to it and imagine she's singing it to me. In ways, I use it to help myself say "it's not that bad. don't throw your life away because you insist on hurting like this. Other times, I use it to say "take care of yourself, and be real. be true to your feelings". Other times, I use it as inspiration for reaching toward growth. The last reason is the reason I chose "SweetCrusader" as my username. Here is the phrase from the song that relates to my username: "You're the sweet crusader, and you're on your way." To me, that's the statement that, no I am not perfect or even basically healthy right now, but I'm on my way there and life is about the process, not the end result. I decided I was the "sweet crusader" because my crusade is my own healing, changing my self, and then eventually (hopefully) helping other people do it for themselves, too. I like the sweet part because it's a reminder to be gentle with myself along the way. Not a crusader who shoves in and says "change or die!" (which is sometimes my approach to myself! lol!)- but one who says, it's time to heal. It feels very gentle to me, and I like that. I like the thought of gentleness in helping my future clients, too.

I really strongly relate to MOST of the song, though- not just that line. I relate to the depression, the endless cycles, losing the joy and excitement of life, feeling down on myself, not being able to sleep, learning to "take this moment and be selfish" (re: self-care), etc. And Alanis sings it in a soft, nurturing-sounding voice, so I feel accepted and like it's ok to be who I am when I hear it. That probably sounds so cheesy. Anway, I know I've already yammered on, but here are the lyrics:

MARY JANE

What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day
As you place the don't disturb sign on the door
You lost your place in line again, what a pity
You never seem to want to dance anymore

It's a long way down
On this roller coaster
The last chance streetcar
Went off the track
And you're on it

I hear you're counting sheep again Mary Jane
What's the point of tryin' to dream anymore
I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane
Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for

Well it's full speed baby
In the wrong direction
There's a few more bruises
If that's the way
You insist on heading

Please be honest Mary Jane
Are you happy
Please don't censor your tears

You're the sweet crusader
And you're on your way
You're the last great innocent
And that's why I love you

So take this moment Mary Jane and be selfish
Worry not about the cars that go by
All that matters Mary Jane I your freedom
Keep warm my dear, keep dry

Tell me
Tell me
What's the matter Mary Jane