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macabre said:
I am a vego - i dont eat meat, dairy, eggs. love healthy natural and organic foods.

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That's awesome that you are vegan, I am too and I hardly ever meet other vegans!!

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to be so sneaky, about something like eating, its ridiculous, and i hate myself for it - for having such little will, and no self control.

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Well, that's the life we live so long as an ED controls our minds. Either we sneak around or we get hospitalized or called fakers or attention-seekers or something...we must sneak around in order to remain "safe" in our bad habits. It's security when we're not threatened by the knowledge of others.

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what kind of a person does that? i used to think if you wanted to quit, say smoking - .. you control your arm, your physical body...so .just dont open the pack, dont put it in your mouth, dont light it ,... done, yoyuve quit.

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Any kind of person who speaks and sleeps and breathes hun. You are human, and we all have our faults. It's great that you have seen so many places in your life, try to make the best of it rather than comparing what you do to what you should do...it just gets you all discouraged and that's no help at all for you.

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i have a calendar - i thought december would be a new month - a new start - i thought being able to put a big red x, --when i had a successful day- -on each days box would be enough to make me stop. once december started.. that was my goal .. now i am even lying to the calendar and every failure i want to punish myself for being so weak...

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Perhaps the calendar is holding your regressions right in front of your face? Most psychologists discourage the tracking of diet by anyone even remotely capable of an ED...if we constantly see how we're doing we begin to over-analyze it, we want to beat it, beat ourselves up for where we slipped, or where we didn't go "far enough"...sometimes it's better not to know.

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so then ill get sick and think, well i've already ruined it for the week...this post is too long now.... hope theres some help from you to be had

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perhaps this is involved with the calendar as well. Mounting "failures" might lead to a sort of learned hopelessness...a giving up. And no post is ever too long if you are saying what you feel. I hope that I've helped, let me know if you ever want to talk...it always helps to know somebody else understands and all of us here understand where you are coming from and what you're going through.