These desperate posts have tugged on my heart strings and even though I didn't plan on responding to you anymore I'm going to anyway,even at the risk of upsetting you(again).

What is it exactly you would like to be told here,what would you like members to say to you that you think would be helpful for you?Because I don't really know what to say and I think maybe other people don't know either.Nobody wants to make you feel worse than you already do so it's hard to respond.

You can get sympathy and pity but I personally don't think that's what you need.You have so much self pity already,adding more to it is just going to make you feel worse.

You sound like you want someone to swoop in,take over and tell you what to do,to fix all of your problems for you.Nobody can do that for you,you have to take responsibility for yourself and just do whatever it is you need to do in order to get yourself healthy and stable.If that means a short stay in the hospital,or even long term then that's what you need to do.If you think you need a different therapist,then find one(didn't you say you were seeing a specialist now?).If you need different medication then you need to speak with your treatment provider about it.If you need to change your living arrangements,then do it.If you need to get a job,then get one.If you find it's too hard then talk to your employer about accomodations.

You say your therapist can't help you,but are you putting your all into therapy,do you work on things on your own in between sessions,reading self help books,doing workbooks,taking things you learn from your T and putting them into practice?Do you go into sessions with specific issues you want to work on and actually work on them?Or do you just go to sessions,sit there and expect to be fixed without putting in the time and effort that you should be?Like right now,having suicidal thoughts,have you talked about them and learned things you can do to help yourself when they happen and actually tried them?If you haven't,don't you think you need to go to your next session and talk about it,ask ways you can help yourself?Have you worked on managing your depression and anxiety?Self esteem?There's so much you could be working on,what type of sessions do you have?Do you just talk or do you work on things?I used to go in and say things like "today I would like to talk about my anxiety at work" and I would talk about it,ask about things I could try that would help,and then I would try them at work and then talk about it during the next session,tell what helped,what didn't,come up with new things,etc.Do you do things like that?

I don't think this therapist has done anything harmful to you,I think maybe she has tried,and is trying to help you.Have you talked to her about this?Have you told her you think she's made you worse?Do you work with her as a team,have you talked about what you would like to gain from therapy with her,if she thinks you're giving your all,in what ways you can make it more effective?

What things can YOU do in order to help yourself?Wallowing in self pity is not the way to go.You need to just decide you're going to begin making changes and start right where you are,take some kind of first step,even if it's just the decision to talk about all of this next session.Just take a step in the right direction and move from there.

I'm really sorry you're still feeling so crappy btw,but besides going to your session tomorrow,what do you need to do at this moment to help yourself? Go to the hospital?Journal?Go for a walk?Do something creative?Listen to music?Think of something that will help for now then do it.